Here Sheila give tips to common wellbeing issues people face both in work and at home.
Q: What can I do to feel better about myself? All my life I have struggled with negative feelings and I don’t want to feel like this?
A: There are many things you can do to improve how you feel about yourself and you can begin right away. The cause of having a poor sense of self lies in early relationships, therefore the ‘cure’ also lies in relationship, relationship with you. However, this relationship is a different one, one where you ease up on yourself, your give yourself a break, and you remind yourself not how you messed up, but instead the focus is on what you did right. This change of focus over time develops self acceptance which is the key to good self esteem.
You may ask ‘How do I do that?’
- Positive self talk
- Praise your efforts
- Treat yourself
- Rest yourself when you are tired
- Encourage yourself
- Treat yourself in a kind way
- Take ‘time out’ for yourself
- Be compassionate towards self
- Stop being hard on yourself and be less rigid and more flexible
- Learn to say no by knowing your limits
- Ask for help or support.
On a daily basis, be nicer to yourself in all your actions. Take time to eat healthily, take time to exercise or to meet a friend. Build in something nice just for you, every day even if it’s to listen to music for fifteen minutes, take time for pleasure. In other words, meet your own needs, rather than looking to others to do that for you, only you are responsible for yourself.
Q: Why do I end up screaming, I never used to do this and find more and more at home, I end up ‘losing it’. I do not want to do this anymore.
A: Sounds like you are screaming for help! I worked with a Mum recently who had the same problem and when we talked it through it transpired that she had increased her work hours and was finding it difficult to cope. Although she may not have been able to reduce her work hours, the awareness that she was literally screaming for help, meant she now saw that she needed help and support. Therefore, she saw that she was bad at asking for help from her husband and others and needed to get more support, in addition to simplifying her life and realising she could not do everything.
We discussed the 4 D’s: There are things I have to
- Do
- Things I may need to Dump
- Things I have to Delay
- Things I need to Delegate
Superwoman is dead! She died from overwork and overload. We need to know our limits and stay within them or something/someone falls apart at home, make sure it is not you!
Q: Any advice for someone who is just existing, I feel I am not really living at the moment, feel I am on a treadmill and just getting through with no time for me anymore?
A: I am meeting many people who feel this way at the moment; they feel they are on a treadmill and that none of their own personal needs are being met after work and family commitments. We do not function well in our personal or work life, unless we take time out for ourselves; therefore this needs to change.
Time management helps as often there is time for your own personal needs if you note down how you spend your time, you will see how you are spending it. Often, after a day at the office, the late evening is spend on a laptop or watching TV for 2/3 hours, when you could be doing something to make yourself feel better.
You have physical, social, emotional, intellectual needs that can be met simply by meeting a friend in the late evening for a walk and a chat. You would return home refreshed, reenergised and in better form. Ironically, finding a half hour for exercise will make the rest of your day more manageable and will also improve on things not getting on top of you, it literally bolsters up your ability to cope. Things will not get you down, you will be more resilient, and you can keep things in perspective. If you take a walk at lunchtime the fresh air will renew you before returning to work.
Time for pleasure is important, even if it is only ten minutes to plant some flowers on your windowsill. What gives you pleasure? Take a few minutes for it.
Schedule something weekly into your diary that is just for you, whether it is a class, the gym, tennis or to meet a friend. If you find it difficult to do things for yourself, recognise that you need to build up a sense of ‘I deserve time out’ ‘I am worth it’ and that as I improve my relationship with self, all my other relationships will reflect this.
A practice of meditation can only be recommended. You do not need to go to India you know, anyone can meditate, sitting or lying down and focusing on the breath is all that is required. Your mind will keep going; that is normal, just stay with the breath, perhaps silently saying ‘in’ as you breathe in, and ‘Out’ as you breathe out to slow the mind down. Begin with two minutes and build up and use throughout the day to calm you down, maybe at the traffic light etc.
Q: My child seems troubled; what can I do to help?’
Listen and try to identify the feeling that’s behind the words.Be emphatic. Stand in their shoes and see what it might feel like. Reflect back to them ‘sounds as if you’re a bit …’ ‘you seem a bit off colour at the moment’ ‘I’m guessing something’s happened as you seem….’
‘You’re very out of sorts… ’ Then listen, and allow them to express how they feel. A sense of being truly understood and being treated with compassion and patience can provide the safety for the child to reveal what the problem is. I can guarantee you that when you actively listen, get under the stand the child is trying to make and show compassion and are patient; your child will open up… as it’s now safe.
Q: I think my child is being bullied at school, what should I do?
- Tell him it’s not his fault; the bully is the one with the problem; usually lacking in self esteem
- Teach him tactics to make him feel more empowered; to answer back sharply/laugh/ignore
- Tell him to act as confident as possible round the bully; face the bully & tell him to stop; staying calm as he moves away
- Inform the school; teacher; principle and Board of Management if necessary
- Keep a record of incidents
- Remind your child you love him; & you’re 100% on his side
- Encourage child to do something they’re good at; builds confidence
- Stay in touch till situation resolved
Q: My child is lacking in confidence; any advice on how I can help?
Confidence is how a child feels about themselves; nurturing their self esteem is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to a child.
- Nurturing or ensuring that your child feels unconditionally loved, that means loved for himself and not for anything he does. You may not like his behaviour; but you always love him just for himself. A child learns through trial & error. Have you never made a mistake?
- Enable him though never doing for him; what he can do or learn to do for himself. Therefore give him lots of opportunity to try things and a feeling of competence is linked to confidence.
Q: My child’s starting ‘big’ school soon, any advice?
Talk about what your child can expect when starting school and chat through the new things that will happen. Ensure you attend the Open Day where your child meets her classmates and arrange to meet a few mums in the Park before the big day, so your child sees a couple of familiar faces.
- Make it easy for your child: Velcro runners, no tights, elasticised waists
- Label everything clearly with the child’s name
- Get your child into uniform before the big day and show Granny
- Easy to open lunchbox and shoulder strap schoolbag
- Box of raisins or 10 grapes for ‘little break’
- Small lunch for ‘big break’, with quartered sandwich
- A drink in a plastic bag in outside pocket of schoolbag
- Uniform laid out the night before shoes, socks, brush
- Fears stem out of not knowing what will happen
- Do not belittle your child’s fears
- Your child may cry on the first day and that is okay, it is a release of emotions
- Do not overstay on the first day; 3-5 minutes is enough
- Twenty minutes in the classroom, is too long
- Tell your child you are going and that you will be back
- Be early for pick up, or it is very stressful for a child
Q: How do I reduce Sibling Rivalry with a new baby arriving!
Imagine your husband comes home tonight and tells you he loves you so much that he’s going to get another wife; and he’s sure you’ll get along great! That’s how your child feels and when you understand that; you understand sibling rivalry. So what can you do?
- Don’t treat them equally; treat them uniquely; seek out each child’s specialness and mirror that back to her.
- A little one on one time ensures your child feels valued and that she matters in your life.
- If there’s a new baby coming; be sure he/she brings a gift!
- Be honest with your child that the early days will be busy but that you need help. Also say that if he feels put out that you always have time for a little cuddle!
- Encourage expression of feelings as a feeling of being understood goes a long way towards resolving.
- Reward them for sharing/co-operation through a star chart
- Don’t fix/rescue-encourage them to resolve differences together & reward that with your attention
Q: Any advice about dealing with Homework?
- It’s critical that children experience only positive associations with homework
- See effort and learning with continue
- Mistakes are part of learning and not something to break relationship over
- The parent is a role model; so model being calm, encouraging & have a little fun
- Homework areas free of distraction
- When things don’t work out; be a best friend to them
- When you’re stressed, frustrated, angry learning becomes threatening for the child
- “As soon as homework’s done” is a great mantra!
Q: What’s the best way to deal with a tantrum by my child?
Tantrums are either about frustration or attention seeking. A parent’s behaviour will either reduce or escalate the situation. Although it’s hard to keep your cool, if you are calm; it may sort it out, if you ‘lose it’ it will make it worse and increase the incidence of it. Distraction works with the younger child. Therefore;
- Press the PAUSE button (deal with it later)
- “I’m not responding till you calm down”
- They may pursue you; but stay separate and don’t personalise
- A ‘No’ need be firm but not cross; consistent; predictable
- Give the child a choice and ‘if you choose to continue; you’re choosing to leave’(shop)
Q: How do I establish a good bedtime routine for my children?
Establishing a predictable pattern that happens every evening helps a child feel secure and there should be less separation anxiety. Therefore; upstairs at the same time every night; pyjamas, bath time, story time and a calm bedtime routine show your child it’s time to sleep. The more attention we give our children; the less they demand it; therefore time with them at bedtime reduces their need to come looking for you after they are settled. If a child feels secure they are more likely to settle on their own. There will be times they need you to fall asleep; and that’s ok; you can reduce that over time and as their sense of security grows. Blackout blinds are essential for summer. TV’s in bedrooms not recommended!
Q: How do I deal with my child’s challenging behaviour?
Despite what you think; your child is not getting up in the morning trying to make your life difficult; they’re showing you how difficult life is for them. Their behaviour is 100% about them; how they’re feeling and what’s going on for them; so why would we personalise it? Stay separate to the behaviour and try to get under the stand they are trying to make.
- Hit the PAUSE button & say ‘deal with it later’
- Stay calm and in charge of your behaviour!
- Use an ‘I’ message: ‘I love you; but can’t accept this behaviour’
- Leave the room if you’re going to ‘lose it’
- De emphasise bad behaviour; notice good behaviour
- Acknowledge the feeling ‘you’re angry’
- Boundary: ‘but we don’t push in this family’
- Give choice & consequence: ‘if you choose to push; you’re choosing a consequence, you decide’
Q: I’d love to get some tips on parenting teens, I’m finding it very challenging!
Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever doo and it comes with no training or support. Parenting teens so often leaves us feeling wrong footed and we’re unsure about the best way to deal with things. These are some things that may help:
- Limit criticism
- Negotiate – an authoritarian parenting style works with smaller children but is a disaster with teenagers. How do you feel when someone forces you to do something?
- Authoritative is where you allow quite a bit of freedom but is a parent with clear standards of behaviour & are clear in their expectations of their teenager
- They listen to their teen & will reason with them
- They believe in their teens capability & are confident in them
- They keep the lines of communication open
- They’re in touch with how the teen feels; knowing that when a teen feels right; they behave right.
For further information
Practical Parenting now offer Well-being in the Workplace as well as Parenting services including: Wellbeing Talks and Wellness Webinars, One to one Parent Support, Parenting Talks and Parenting Courses. You can read parent feedback or company testimonials from people who have availed of these services.
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