Children & Bereavement

Children need somewhere to go with their grief and if there is no one there to receive these emotions, they disconnect and suppress how they feel. Tell them they can always come to you and receive their feelings warmly or they stop coming to you with their feelings about the death that has occurred.

Children and Grief

A child can manifest a variety of the following responses following a death:

Physical Symptoms following a bereavement

If a child senses it is not okay to talk about the death, where do they go with their feelings and who do they turn too? If there is no one there for them, the child will embody their fears and this will manifest through bedwetting, tummy aches and increased illness. These symptoms may also be your child’s way of seeking attention.

How to deal with Grief Responses:

Emotionally, a child may present with sadness, fears, anxiety, guilt and denial. These are all part of the grieving process and need gentleness, understanding and reassurance. Unconditional love is the best response to these feelings.

Anger following Bereavement

Bereaved children may feel angry, understand and accept this anger for what it is. Explore your child’s feelings and reassure her that she is not responsible for the death.

Bereavement for children needs open communication:

There may be an inability to concentrate and disbelief. Communication and love is crucial here, reassuring the child that this is normal and you are there for them when they need to talk.

Bereavement in children may mean Behaviour Changes:

There can be a variety of responses ranging from: Sleeplessness, loss of appetite, poor grades, crying, nightmares, fighting and clingy. Bereaved children need patience from you and to feel nurtured and listened to.

Bereaved Children

Children are old enough to grieve, if they are old enough to love.

How to deal with Grief

A child does not have the experience or comprehension to integrate loss into their world. Tell them they will feel many emotions and that all are normal. This is why sharing how you feel encourages your child’s expression of their feelings.

Dealing with Death – Helping bereaved children

You are the person steering them through their grief; yet you may be dealing with your own grief at the same time. Accept the help and support that you need and is available at this time.

Grief support tips for bereaved children:

• Honesty and open communication is crucial.
• Do not cover up. Answer questions truthfully in words they can understand.
• Answer only what is being asked.
• Encourage the expression of feelings, it will minimise the potential for miscommunication.
• If your child does not want to talk, tell her that is okay, but that you are there when they need to talk.
• Children need to be included in the ritual of grief. This is part of the healing process. The option of attending the funeral (if old enough) as it provides closure; there is a finality that is helpful to children.
• Try to follow normal routines as much as possible as it restores a sense of order and security. Avoid making changes that will stress and disrupt further.
• Finally, responding with love over the grieving period is vital, so they know you are there for them and accepting support for you in order to do that.

A mum contacted me about her son who is aggressive and moody following a crash and has lost his motivation in school

Parenting Teens

I hear how difficult this is for you and how worried you are about your son. It sounds like you could use some support. Parenting teens is extremely challenging at times and we need to have an awareness of taking care of ourselves first in order to be in a better place to support them. It is understandable to me that you are struggling to support him, when you are in need of support yourself.

Family Stress Management

What can you do to support yourself better? Have you family or friends you can speak with? Can you take some time out for yourself to gain perspective of the situation? If what we are doing is not working, we may as well try something different. Therefore, increasing the pressure around the subjects may not be the thing to do at this time.

Teenage stress

A teen who is troubling or troubled is not trying to make your life difficult; rather he is trying to show you how difficult life is for him.

Teen solutions

Compassion is the No 1 response to this behaviour, which is a mix of understanding and love. When was the onset of this difficult behaviour? What was happening at that time? Was it the accident or was there some change in his life? The best response to his challenging behaviour is to take the focus on the behaviour, and put the focus instead on building your relationship with him. ‘How are you son, are you okay, I’m here to support you and you can come and talk to me at any time, I love you but I’m finding this behaviour difficult and I would love if we  could talk together and resolve things.’ In other words, the person is always more important than the behaviour.

Teenagers

When we stop focusing on the behaviour, we can focus on the feelings underneath and on how your son is feeling and how he is thinking. You mention he is aggressive, and aggressiveness is a protective behaviour and is often someone who is deeply hurt.

Teen Health

The more he gets to express how he feels (he will only do that when it feels safe to do so); the more he will discharge those feelings and the less aggressive he will be. Sounds like there is a lot of focus on academic at the moment, and maybe more focus on relationship is what is needed as we cannot attend at the head level, when things may not be right at the heart level. Remember, the only A a teen needs is an A in emotional health, so tell him how concerned you are and offer support for him to talk about how things are for him. Many teens go through difficult times and with support and love it carries them through it and out the other end, so focus on not reacting to his behaviour (which is only about him) and being more proactive. The less we personalise his behaviour the better.

Teen solutions

Usually we find that when emotionally he feels better in himself that perhaps after the summer things will be different. Speak with the school about encouraging and supporting him in how he feels right now.

Why does bed wetting happen?

Bed wetting once a child has been toilet trained is nearly always psychological/social.

All behavior makes sense.

What was happening at the onset of the bed wetting? A new baby in the house, some change in the home, or changes in the child’s routine?  Bed wetting  can be emotional distress, created by the child unconsciously to send a flag to the parent. Remember any challenging behavior is not the child trying to make your life more difficult, but rather that the child is trying to tell you that life may not be easy for them.

How to respond to bed wetting?

Respond with compassion, kindness & gentleness. Make it easy for yourself with a plastic sheet & remove without fuss.

Get under the behavior to the unmet need underneath

Try to meet the unmet need of the child by ensuring each parent offers 8 minutes of 1:1 positive time to help the child feel secure, loved & valued.

How to raise your child’s self belief?

Give them Opportunity, by never doing  for a child what they can do or learn to do for themselves.

What does a child need in order to learn?

Think about the first time you sat behind the wheel of the car, what did you need from the person sitting beside you?

You probably needed: Time, Patience, Belief, Encouragement & Support, and it needed to be okay to make a mistake – they need the same! Take Time to Show them, as children become remarkably responsible, when given responsibility!

Seven year olds can make their own lunch, and 16 year olds can get a driving lesson. Be beside them like a best friend while they are learning and withdraw slowly as they grasp the new task.

Belief is everything

Your Belief in them, means they Believe in themselves. The more opportunities they get, the more confident and competent they feel. The more Overprotective you are, the more you render them helpless – & they give up asking to do stuff! Therefore, focus on their effort and not their performance and never criticise a child over a mistake (which sets the next learning challenge) or learning may become threatening and the child may go into avoidance rather than risk being criticised by a parent over failure or a mistake.

See more http://www.practicalparenting.ie/article/never-do-for-a-child-what-a-child-can-do-for-themselves/

The two pillars of self esteem are:

1. How lovable do they feel (praise or correct Behaviour but always love their person). That means you will respond positively to difficult behaviour by separating the child from their behaviour: (‘I love you but that behaviour is not okay, we’ll talk when we’re both calmer)
2. How capable they feel (given lots of opportunities to do things with encouragement)
(This means they will make mistakes as that’s part of learning, & that you focus on their effort, not the performance).

We know that Self Esteem is the key to your child’s future, therefore build your child up and tell them what they have done good, ignore the bad and see difficult behaviour as a cry for help, that instead of you thinking they are trying to make your life difficult, that life is no t easy for them. Only this morning, when I had a negative encounter with one of my children, did I after correcting them, find they said ‘no one loves me’. We need ensure that our child always feels loved and that the focus is on the behaviour, not on their person. Easier said than done!

See more: http://www.practicalparenting.ie/article/self-esteem-in-the-home/

Self Esteem and your Child or Teen

Their self worth is dependent on their performance, not on feeling loved for their person. Over attention to a behavior that gained them recognition, not only breeds massive insecurity, it narrows field of endeavor to ‘success’ areas. I meet many parents who felt as a child or teen ‘seen’ for what they did (academic success, sporting achievement, musical success etc) but that left them feeling that that is what they were loved for , their sense is that they did not feel loved for themselves – and yet that was their deepest need. For more on Parenting at Exam Time see http://www.practicalparenting.ie/2013/03/26/junior-cert-leaving-cert-help-with-exams/

Perfectionists feel loved for getting things perfect, but their need is to feel loved for themselves

Creatively, as a child when you sense this, you do whatever you have to do to feel loved – even if you have to become a perfectionist as you know you are the one seen for getting things perfect, if it gains you visibility you become perfectionist in your behaviors. However, you real need is simply to feel loved whether what you do is perfect or not.

Effort is what matters, not the Performance

Emphasis on performance creates unhealthy competitiveness, resulting in comparisons between individuals.

Top Tips for Parenting your Child or Teen

The best form of competitiveness is Self competition, the person is encouraged and supported to challenge themselves from present level of attainment.

Avoidance of challenge is fear of not being good enough.

Your child needs to feel loved for themselves, not for what they achieve, therefore ensure that you meet their efforts with encouragement and support but that you ensure they feel loved regardless or their positive or sometimes negative behaviors  Try to separate the child/teen from their behaviours, and that means you may need to correct the behavior or praise the behavior  but regardless you always always love them for themselves, and not for what they do (positively or negatively).

Conditional love is when you feel loved for what you do and not for who you are

People before performance, child needs to feel unconditionally loved, so praise behavior, or correct behavior, but always always love them for themselves & not for what they do (or don’t do).

The more we are self aware, the more productive we can be at work and at home.

Make New Choices and Take New Actions

The more we understand ourselves the more we can respond in the way we need. Also, we understand others better, it’s like we can get under our behaviours and also the behaviour of others.

What is your leadership style?

How do you interact with yourself and others?

Are you:                                  Challenge is to become more:

Hard                                                         Soft on Self

Rigid                                                         Flexible

Passive                                                   Assert Self

Over pleasing                                      Take time to please self

Conform to others wishes              Be an individual

Care for others                                    Balance with care for self

Responsible for others                    I am only responsible for myself

Perfectionistic                                    You are perfect in yourself

‘I’ve too much to do’                       ‘I need to do more for myself’

‘I’ve no time’                                       ‘I value my time’

I’m so stressed’                                 ‘I need downtime’

The psychology of your performance

Perhaps, up to now, you have been unconsciously interacting in a particular way with yourself,having no time, stressed, too much to from taking on too much, taking responsibility for too many people, having to do everything perfect, having unrealistic expectations of myself, trying to please others and the list goes on. Stop. Now, become conscious of doing that and self-awareness creates the possibility for positive change.

What need to emerge?

• Your need for care
• Your need for kindness towards self
• Your need to speak up when someone’s aggresses you  (or to leave)
• Your need to approve of yourself in a way you are seeking from others
• Your need to only be responsible for self
• Your need to see your own perfection
• Your need to do more for yourself
• Your need to value yourself
• Your need to value your time & not let others squander it
• Your need for downtime/fun/friends

Boundaries are required

Strengthen the boundaries you have round yourself to ensure you from you on; don’t take on what is not yours. Keep your Time and your energy from being sabotaged by others. Delegate, say no and take time before committing to more projects.

Good Luck!

Stress and Exams

I have learnt from my mistakes regarding exams and what teenagers need and hope you find this helpful.

Help with exams

The only control you have over your teen is the strength of your relationship with them. The more you work on relating to them in positive ways, the more influence you have over guiding them in the lead up to exams. You cannot force them to study and even if they are up in their rooms, you have no idea if they are studying or not. Therefore, work instead on encouraging and supporting them in their learning efforts and helping them in any blocks they face.

School tips for parents

There are many things you can do to reduce the stress at home during exam time. The most important is to be in a ‘good place’ so you offer them the support they need at this time. Your calmness will have a very positive effect on the atmosphere at home so ensure you do what you need to remain calm and supportive over the coming weeks.

Parenting help: Encouragement and Belief in their ability is crucial

Think about a major challenge you have faced: what did you need? That is what your teen needs:

• Belief: ‘ You can do it’
• To have your effort acknowledged
• Encouragement
• See your potential
• They may need  to feel understood and listened to

Study Skills: Help them set goals

Talk with them (as opposed to talking ‘to’ them) about how they feel about the exams and ensure they know you are there for them. Help them to set goals as we all need a destination to work towards.

Junior & Leaving Cert: Set up good routines

• A study desk with proper lighting in a quiet area/room
• Homework done straight after school
• A study schedule for evening/weekend
• Avail of supervised study if offered by the school during Easter etc.

Exams:Study Routines

• Be organised with everything you need
• Decide the block of study, two/four hours, four subjects, five minutes breaks or fifteen minute break halfway through

Exam Stress

A little stress (Eustress) can be helpful to motivate you to get started. However, when stress gets out of hand it inhibits our teen’s ability to focus on the work in hand. The number one response to in the minute stress is to focus on deep abdominal breathing. In the longer term to deep stress at bay is to exercise to help keep perspective and to stay on top of things! A healthy diet and getting outdoors is also helpful in staying in control of exam stress.

Advice for parents:Fear of failure

This is often due to feeling anxious about the ‘unknown’ element of exams, fear of failure and the amount of work to be done. This is where the parent comes in. Fear of failure is very common and unhelpful to our teenagers.

Stress & Exams:

Ensure that your teenager knows they are not ‘an exam result’ and they are loved for themselves, not for what they do. Therefore, if you encounter your teen where they have gone into avoidance or seemed overwhelmed, the approach needs to be ‘Hi honey how are you, I love you’ with no mention of exams. Listen to them and offer support and assure them that their welfare is paramount.

Junior Cert & Leaving Cert: Keep expectations realistic

Keep your expectations realistic and never ever confuse your teenager with their performance and that they need know they are always more important to you than anything else!

Exam Study:Break tasks into manageable chunks

How do you eat an elephant? One bit at a time, so the concept of ‘chunking’ is helpful.

A huge task can immobilise us, whereas when we break it down into manageable chunks it is easier. Something we dread is best approached by allocating it ten minutes to see how much we can achieve and it may be less daunting once we begin!

Help with exams:See their effort and learning will continue

What you put out comes back to you (Positive or Negative) and the more you put out, the more you get back so keep telling them what they are doing well and catch them being good!

Parenting the exam student

• Have the food they like so you ensure they eat
• Ensure they get adequate sleep
• Encourage exercise to help relax
• They are under pressure, so don’t add to it
• Believe in their intelligence & capability
• See their effort & believe in their capacity
• Encourage & praise
• Negotiate where there are difference between you, if you force a person they will resist you
• You can’t do the work for them, and this exam is their responsibility
• Do not personalise what they say or their behaviour, it’s 100% about them, how they are feeling and what they are going through
• When your child deserves your love the least, they need it the most
• The most important ‘A’ is an ‘A’ in Emotional Health (there’s a lot going on for our teens)
• You cannot attend at a ‘head’ level if things are not right at a ‘heart’ level
• Intelligence & Knowledge are not the same
• Failure sets the next challenge

Why learning/effort stops

When learning is threatening, a teenager goes into Avoidance, Sickness, and Perfectionism and has a Fear of Failure. Ensure they know they are always more imortant than the result, this exam is not a prophesy of your future lives. Treat your young person with unconditional love, loving them not for what they do, but who they are. Their intelligence is only one way in which they express their individuality

Tips for Parent

• You cannot take care of them till you first take care of you
• Do not push yourself too hard, for the sake of your children – if you are calm, so are they.
• Allow adequate time if bringing them into exams to reduce stress – get up earlier!
• Ask what you can do for them to help/support them
• Rushing and racing results in feeling stressed; and you are not in a good place to parent

Sheila O Malley is a fully qualified Parent & Relationships Mentor and runs Parenting/Wellbeing Talks, Courses and Workshops in addition to her One to One Parent mentoring service. See www.practicalparenting.ie or e mail info@practicalparenting.ie

All Behaviour makes Sense

The importance of story

The psychology of your leadership style & performance

People do not have problems, they have defences they needed to survive the defensive behaviour of another. The defence you show today, is the past re-enacted in the present. We use our defences to protect us, until we no longer need them. As a child, we were all dependent on the adults in our lives who had their own emotional baggage. There is no blame here as every parent does their best, does their best with what they got themselves and with where they are at in themselves.

Leadership & Performance come from a strong sense of self

Every child feels lovable and capable and has a strong self-worth. The interaction of the parent if it does not mirror the child’s lovability and capability means the child has to hide aspects of him/her until it is safe to show again. A simple example can be: An aggressive parent means the child may develop Timidity/shyness and passivity to stay safe with the adult, where it’s not safe for the child to assert themselves to the parent, their defence and their behaviour makes perfect sense.

Child’s deepest need is to be loved for self, not for what they do

The self-worth however is like a diamond; it is indestructible and is always there, it just waits for the safety to re-emerge. The child is looking to be loved for self, but most parenting is conditional, as we confuse the child’s behaviour with their person. If only every parent said, ‘I love you, but that behaviour is not okay, the child’s self-esteem would remain intact. Instead parent /child interaction is more likely to be: Be good, be clever, be perfect, be quiet, do what I say, and when the child is not, the parent may become cross and the inner world of the child becomes threatened. The child develops defences to survive the defensive behaviour of the parent.

Defences of Parent/Child may be either

Acting in                                                                    Challenge is to:

• Passive/Timid/Shy                                 Assert Self
• Perfectionistic                                           See your own perfection
• Self-critical                                                 Affirm self
• Blames self                                                  Own your responsibility
• Over pleasing                                             ‘I am not my pleasing’
• Compliant/Conforms                            ‘I am here too’

Acting Out                                                               Challenge is to:

• Controlling to others                             Self control
• Hyper critical                                            Become Affirming
• Harsh                                                            Become Kind
• Rigid                                                              Become Flexible
• Destructive behaviour                          Constructive behaviour
• Bullying                                                        Champion

We develop addictions                                       Challenge is to:

• Addiction to getting it perfect              ‘I am perfect in myself’
• Addicted to food                                         Nurturing yourself
• Addicted to what other people think/    Thinking well of yourself
• Addicted to alcohol                                         Express what’s hidden
• Addicted to work                                              Assert your worth
• Addicted to caring                                            Care for self & others balanced

Many of us had the experience of having a parent for whom work/sport/alcohol was more important to them, than our presence. The impact on the self-worth of the child is devastating as their feeling is ‘Maybe I’m not good enough/lovable/acceptable’. Maybe now we can change limiting beliefs.

No change required – just to unfold

The challenge is simply to unfold to what was always there, your unique lovability and capability. To do this we need to mother ourselves in the way that we needed and may not have got. How do we do this? It’s a way of being with ourselves that is a move from being harsh with ourselves to being gentler with ourselves, to ease up on ourselves. To be compassionate and forgiving of ourselves, the development of a kinder way of relating to ourselves in all our daily interactions. The fathering of ourselves is to offer ourselves again what we may have needed and not got, to offer ourselves the backup, the support, the encouragement, to show belief in ourselves and in our capacity. To trust in ourselves, to believe in ourselves and to affirm our vast capability in our everyday lives.

Passive/Shy/Timid

Examples of this may be: if what came up for you to ‘I am passive’, to understand you may have needed this defence as a child to survive a parent whom you found threatening, however as an adult you can make new choices and take new actions. The challenge may be to assert yourself when you meet someone who does not treat you with worth and dignity, or if that is too difficult to limit your exposure to this person by taking an action for self and walking away or choosing not to see this person until you are strong enough to find your voice to assert yourself.

Carer: Did you have to hide your need for Care? Challenge is: Self Care

For the person who is a Carer, taking responsibility for too many people and too many things and with poor boundaries around their own time and neglecting themselves, the challenge is simply self-care. To balance time for self with time for others. When asked to do things to learn to say ‘Leave it with me, and I will check my schedule’. Instead of pleasing everyone except you, to drag yourself up from the bottom of your priority list. Do something to please yourself today, take time out for yourself, every time you say Yes to someone; too see you are saying No to yourself.

Perfectionist: Challenge is: Can you now see your own perfection?

For the Perfectionist to see where that defence came from. Often, the focus growing up was on the performance rather than the effort and the child felt seen for getting it ‘perfect. The child may think that is why they are loved, for their perfection rather than for themselves. What drives the perfectionist is fear of never being good enough. The challenge is to see your own perfection, that you were not an exam result, or a performance, but someone who needed to simply be loved for your unique and un repeatable presence and to do that for yourself now.

Controlling/Dominant/Aggressive: Challenge is: Self Control

This defence arises from fear and from a childhood experience where they felt rejected, abandoned, critised or put down and this person may call all the shots, makes all the decisions, controls everyone and everything. The purpose of the defence is to avoid a reoccurrence of the earlier painful experience. Their challenge is to learn Self Control when fear arises to stop, to take three deep breaths and to ask ‘What do I need to do now to support myself?’

Unemotional: Challenge is: Start tuning into how you feel & express your feelings& receive others feelings

‘I’ve no time for feelings’ Challenge: Reconnect the head with the heart and operate from both

Are you this person and where did that come from? Could it have been that there was no one there for me with time for my feelings when I was a small child? What was that like? A small child learns to repress their emotions when there is nowhere to go to with their upset, as there is no one there anyway, so they have no choice but to disconnect from how they feel. Many homes have a ban on emotional expression so children learn to suppress how they feel and embody feelings.

Step 1: Connect with the small child and stay with the feelings of what that was like. Do you feel sorry for that small child? Now, empathy is born, compassion is there for self and for others.

Step 2: Take time to ‘tune into’ how you feel, listen to yourself and to what is going on for you

Step 3: Express how you feel: Get into the habit of ‘I feel.. upset/overwhelmed/tired/let down and make a request around that  …’and I need’ and receive the other persons feeling by acknowledging how they feel: ‘Sounds like you’re angry about….’ and playing back to them what you are hearing.

You may have had to hide your feelings as a child, however as an adult, it is safe to express how you feel and to receive the other persons feelings. A habit of journaling is helpful to get in touch with how you feel and how others feel or simply taking time out to reflect.

Summary:

Stay Separate to the defensive behaviours of others as they belong to them and are about them. Only one person needs to change to create a shift and you cannot change anyone except yourself. Observe your response to other people’s behaviours and resolve not to personalise it and instead to take care of yourself in their behaviour.

What is there was no need to change?    By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

What is there is no need to change?

No need to transform yourself into someone more compassionate, more loving or wise?

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature

Gentle and compassionate and capable of living fully, let go and dance..

The challenge is not to manage our time, but to manage ourselves

Can you identify with any of this?

• Not balanced Work/Home Life
• Partners/children getting ‘leftovers’
• Poor self-care (delays calling dentist/doctor)
• Poor Boundaries around himself/herself
• Always available
• Takes too much responsibility on
• Difficulty in saying No
• Always in ‘Doing’ mode, little ‘Being’ mode
• Fear of failure
• Having to prove self
• Perfectionist
• Addicted to work
• Filling a void

Maybe for you, Being Busy means ‘I am of worth’.  What is driving you?

Are you likely to say something like: ‘I’m so busy; I haven’t time’?  Time for what?  Probably time for family, whether partner or children, maybe time for friends, but ultimately: Time for Self.

How does ‘never having time’ impact on self and others?

Take a moment to reflect the impact it has on loved ones; and the impact it has on you never having enough time. It is likely you are firing off in different directions, feeling tense and a little stressed much of the time. What is behind the statement: ”I’m so busy, I haven’t time”? What has happened for the person that they are always so pressurised?

Who else had ‘no time’ for you?

Having time for loved ones, arises from having time for self. Therefore, prescriptions do not work, if you are doing this, perhaps examine ‘How was it I wasn’t balanced? How was it, I wasn’t looking after myself”?  If you have no time for self, perhaps reflect for a moment, who else had ‘No time for you’? Often, it is a parent who was addicted to work, or sports or alcohol and the impact on the child is devastating. It directly impacts on their feelings of self-worth, and on how they value themselves.

Shift from not valuing to  valuing your time by valuing self

Their feelings are likely to be ‘I’m not good enough, I don’t measure up, I don’t deserve, and I’m not worth it’. A lack of deservedness and self-worth mean we don’t value our time; therefore the shift needed is to shift from not valuing to valuing your time. When we move from unconscious to conscious, we can do something different, we can value ourselves in the way we always needed to feel valued, we can perhaps be the parent to ourselves we needed our parent to be to us.

Have Boundaries around your Time – take care of your time

When we make the shift towards approving of ourselves, we no longer need to neglect ourselves by never saying No, or over caring for others in order to be validated externally.  Therefore, self-approval and self-acceptance are the key to positive change. When we approve of ourselves, we automatically take care of our time, set healthy boundaries and balance caring for others with caring for self.

Women’s greatest challenge is asking and receiving help/saying No

Many women have a problem in asking for help and receiving support. As they improve how they relate to turn to themselves, they automatically accept help that is offered graciously, or accept the compliment offered, without needing to ‘Return to Sender’. Last week, I received an e mail from a lady who had heard me speak at a Stress talk in her company. What she took away was that it was ok to say No, and she did over a couple of days and was delighted to find that she was more’ in control of her work and of her personal life’.

Men’s greatest challenge?

Taking care and nurturing themselves

Awareness means I shift towards consciously valuing my time, therefore:

• Take time for self
• Set time to leave work by & focus to ensure it happens
• Leave work at work
• Clearer desk/office often means a clearer mind
• Set healthy boundaries round times you are not available
• Learn to say yes to the person, but No to the Task!
• Be a better delegator
• Control technology
• If you are a perfectionistic: Focus on effort, not your performance

80:20 Rules

80% of unfocused effort generates 20% of results; therefore remember that 80% of your results come from 20% of your effort. Optimise your efforts concentrating your time/energy on high pay off tasks.

Organises and execute round balanced priorities

The biggest mistakes we make are the following three:

• Inability to Prioritise what’s important to you
• Inability to Organise around these priorities
• A lack of Discipline
• A minute planning saves 10 minutes on execution

Covey’s Matrix

Essentially, many of us spend time on unimportant things so end up in Quadrant 1 fire fighting. Put the focus on important tasks whether they are Urgent or not, as if we procrastinate, they will be Urgent and Important. Spend as little time as possible on activities that may be Urgent but they are NOT IMPORTANT.

Schedule your time around balanced priorities: don’t forget time for self!

Take a moment and decide the different role you have:

ROLES

Individual

Spouse

Parent

Manager

Volunteer for you r children’s Scouts group

GOALS

Now identify the Goals you have for each role you have, goals are important as they are the destination and they offer the vision to work towards.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO REACH MY GOALS?

INDIVIDUAL                       Book a Course

Spouse                                 Set a fortnightly DATE NIGHT

Parent                                  Schedule family activity for weekend, puncture repair, some 1: 1 time

Manager                              Begin working on Budget on Monday, breaking into manageable chunks

Scouts                                   Organise a treasure hunt

Top Tips:

• To Do List
• Prioritise
• Manage Distractions
• Take Breaks to recharge
• Do hardest task first
• Reward difficult tasks achieved
• Get longer lead time from clients
• Chunking: Break task into manageable chunks
• Ensure your expectations are realistic

“I may not be able to complete this project on time along with all the other work I have to do. However, I can get clear priorities from my boss, and then manage the time I spend on each project. It may be that the quality of each deliverable is not what I’d like it to be, but I have to be realistic about what is achievable here’

Benefits to better Personal Time Management

• More in control at work/home
• Feel better, less tense/anxious
• Balanced work/home life
• Work not impacting negatively on spouse/children
• Stronger Boundaries mean you are more respected as you respect self more
• De clutter – More organised/efficient & a nicer environment to work in