How do I get to feeling better in myself?

Studies prove that we need to experience a minimum of 3:1 positives to every negative in our working and personal life, yet if we want to thrive the positivity ratio goes up to 5:1.These positives can be an experience, an interaction or a communication. For example when someone speaks to us negatively, counts as one; i.e.: “You’re wrong about that/ you never ..” whereas a positive communication i.e.: “That was not an easy time for you”. In this case, we would need 5 positive comments to negate one negative communication.

Gratitude Journal

Keeping a gratitude journal is proven to increase feelings of wellbeing, therefore record three or more things every day that you feel grateful for. This exercise changes the focus from a negative perspective to a more positive one. Examples can be: ‘I am grateful for my family, my health and having a job’

Take Care of yourself, so you can take care of others

Some of us are more out of practice than others and need to focus on loving ourselves healthily, not selfishly. You work hard, you deserve a break and to treat yourself and you do deserve. Do you really believe this? If you do not, then resolve to affirm yourself and treat yourself better; starting now. Tell yourself you are worth it; especially if you do not feel that way about yourself. Show it in all your actions towards yourself, by resting yourself, eating well, physical care of self, taking a break or a well earned rest.

Tell yourself what you did right-even when things went wrong

Most of us have an ‘inner critic’ working overtime and we beat ourselves up all the time. Resolve to kill the inner critic and instead be your own best friend. Tell yourself what you did well and you will do more of it. Therefore, if you finish making a presentation at work for the first time, an example may be: ‘I did very well today and when I have done more of these; I will do even better, well done!’

Take Time to Reflect and Live better

Taking the time to do some deep breathing, a relaxation exercise or a little meditation enhances feelings of wellbeing as it centres you when you are anxious or overwhelmed. Time to reflect means we are less reactive with others and more proactive and all our relationships improve.

Giving back increases wellbeing

Despite all the challenges we face, people still give their time generously in the community and the schools. For the small contribution of time (perhaps a couple hours a month) we connect in with people, we feel supported and always seem to get back much more than the little we contributed.

Take time for pleasure

A few minutes to sow some spring bulbs in the garden can renew, recharge and refocuses us. Find something where you are in the ‘flow’ (where you lose time and become immersed in the activity; for me it is gardening!) and make a little time for it.

Here are some suggestions you may find helpful to cope better:

Exercise reduces Stress:

Exercise is clinically proven to be the most important factor in reducing stress. Do you know if you exercise for twenty minutes three times a week, your feel good/happiness will increase by 10-20 per cent? In addition, your ability to cope will significantly improve; you will have a clearer head, a better outlook and be more able to keep things in perspective.

Balance between work & play

Schedule downtime to create more balance so take time for friends, partner and family and see the difference it makes when you take care of yourself, you will find yourself more able to cope and more resilient.

Wellbeing Needs (Hobby/Interest)

Take just one hour a week for your hobby/interest, using time management you will find the time.

Keep perspective

If you catastrophise a situation, you simply create fear and more stress which can make our perception worse. Instead focus on keeping perspective and in the moment when stressed or overwhelmed remember that deep breathing helps to calm.

Attitude

Remember that most of what we worry about never happens so asking yourself; what is the worst case scenario and would you survive it? Generally, it is not so much what happens to you, but more about your response and ability to cope that really matters.  As the saying goes, ‘If life throws me lemons, I will make lemonade!’

Work/Life balance

Those with work/life balance tend to be more motivated and productive, therefore achieve that balance and remember it is good not just for you, but for your employer and family also.

Social connectedness reduces factors which cause stress

Social connectiveness makes us happy, so get involved in your community, in a club, volunteering etc and you will find you get a lot more than you give.

Management of tasks

Make a list, break tasks into manageable chunks, tick off on completion, prepare the subsequent list and reward yourself.

Value yourself – do not abuse yourself

Do less of what makes you feel bad (smoking/over drinking) & more of what makes you feel good.

Ask for help

Acknowledge your feelings if you are overwhelmed, talk to someone, and actively seek help and support. Otherwise, we bottle up our feelings and use alcohol, emotional eating, smoking or even prescription drugs to cope. A better option is to recognise the need to express some of these feelings. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved when someone listens and allows us to discharge some of the pressure we are under. When we talk about what we are experiencing, we feel more able to cope.

Click here for a more comprehensive article on managing stress and lots of tips.

Here are some ideas that I hope will help:

Identify the people who pull you down and make you feel bad?

Is your life filled with people who pull you down? Make a list of the people who pull you down and resolve to spend less time with them. Spend more time with those are the ‘spark’ people in your life and from whom you leave energised and in good form.

What drains you?

It may be drinking to excess, lack of sleep or fraught relationships. How can you do less of what drains you, by limiting the time with people or situations you find difficult. Avoid listening to the news and reading the newspapers which may be reinforcing your worries or concerns.  Support yourself in getting the rest your body and mind needs and practice personal self care with moderation in diet and alcohol.

What give you energy and ‘picks’ you up?

It may be a sport or exercise, meeting friends, time for your hobby or creative pursuit, or a night away with your partner.  Read a book that gives you pleasure or take time to listen to music or to relax. Take  some ‘time out’ just for you, whether a shopping trip, or getting away or simply taking time for a walk that reenergises, refocuses and recharges your battery.

Work Life Balance

When there are many demands on us in our working or home life, our ability to cope is dependent on us having the right balance between work and play. If we do not have the correct balance, it impacts on the resilience we have to manage work and family pressures. Therefore, it is not the event that matters, but how I respond to it that is crucial. Achieving a good balance in our lives is critical in ensuring that we manage the stressors we encounter on a daily basis.

For more information on reducing stress, check out the full article with lots of tips to use today.

‘If life throws me lemons, I will make lemonade!’

Stress symptoms constitute one of the most obvious ways that the individual expresses threats to well being. The person creates the stress symptom in order to draw attention to what it is that they need to do for themselves. First, the symptoms manifest physically i.e. aches, pains etc but if not dealt with; symptoms will escalate to more serious manifestations i.e. ulcers, heart disease etc. Therefore, see the stress symptom as an opportunity to uncover the real issue.

What are the symptoms of Stress?

• Tension headache
• Migraine
• Back pain
• Chest pain
• Increased heart rate
• High blood pressure
• Dizziness/excessive perspiration
• Dry mouth
• Insomnia
• Fatigue
• Nervousness.

Consequences of Stress:

• Behavioural: Smoking, drinking, drug use, emotional eating, violence
• Psychological: Sleep issues, anxiety, panic, depression, overwhelmed
• Medical Consequences: Headaches, back pain, ulcers, stomach & skin conditions, heart disease & stroke.

What are the solutions to reducing Stress?

• Exercise
• Sleep/Relaxation
• Time management
• Role Management
• Support Groups
• Work/Life balance.

Top Tips to be Stress free:

• Take time for self (downtime)
• Eat a healthy diet
• Drink in moderation
• Take time as a couple
• Don’t push yourself too hard
• Ask for help/support
• Learn to say No, by knowing your limits
• Have a balance between work & home life
• Rest when you are tired
• Allow adequate time
• Affirm self/Believe in self/Encourage self/Reward self/ Treat self
• Take time to see friends
• Take time for a walk/hobby/join a club
• Time to relax means you reenergise and feel refreshed.

You may ask ‘How do I do that?’

• Positive self talk
• Praise your efforts
• Treat yourself
• Rest yourself when you are tired
• Encourage yourself
• Treat yourself in a kind way
• Take ‘time out’ for yourself
• Be compassionate towards self
• Stop being hard on yourself and be less rigid and more flexible
• Learn to say no by knowing your limits
• Ask for help or support.

On a daily basis, be nicer to yourself in all your actions. Take time to eat healthily, take time to exercise or to meet a friend. Build in something nice just for you, every day even if it’s to listen to music for fifteen minutes, take time for pleasure. In other words, meet your own needs, rather than looking to others to do that for you, only you are responsible for yourself.

Sibling Rivarly: Child feel insecure about being loved

Imagine your husband comes home tonight with a tall Swedish blond and says: “You know I love you so much; I decided to get another wife just like you! But here’s the good news; you’re actually going to LOVE HER!” . That’s how your child feels; jealous and insecure that you love the other person more. How would you respond? Clingy, insecure, demanding and you probably wouldn’t be very nice to the Swedish blonde either!  It is exactly the same for your child. They are more demanding and engage in negative behaviour as they are feeling bad about themselves, to which you respond negatively, or even punish, making your child feel even worse and less loved; and their behaviour escalates.

Instead of Time out – give Time Into the child’s feeling

When our child is troubled or troubling – they are not out to make your life difficult, but are trying to show you how difficult ow they life is for them. Therefore, if they feel insecure about another sibling being more loved – that is their perception of how they see things and till you respond to that, nothing will improve.

Time In versus Time Out

As Weininger (an originator of the Time In technique )says about Time Out:”We are in danger of withdrawing from a child just at the very time they need help with their feelings”. When I do Corporate talks and ask parents to imagine you were 2/3/4/5/6 years of age and very upset and distressed and you were put out in the hall and forced to sit on the step; over and overas you cried, till you stayed there; how would you feel? The answers always come back : Upset, angry, confused, alone, abandoned, bad about myself etc etc. However, when I suggest how would you feel if your mother gave you a little time into the feeling’s that underlie your behaviour? A moment to sit with the child, to talk together about why she is behaving that way. I find this works for me, when I sit calmly with my child “Sounds like you’re upset; what’s up honey? I’m really trying to understand whats going on for you; you’re always such a good girl, I know you must be upset about something”. Parents answer back:  ” I would feel understood, loved, accepted, heard, calmer,cared for, validated, cherished”.

If a child is too young to express it in words

You will need to be creative and use puppets or ask them to draw how they feel in a picture.  Maybe if you put into words how you think your child feels and use a puppet .Act it out: “it was nicer before the baby came, I had you all to myself, now I feel sad sometimes” and ask your child to do a ‘thumbs up’ if thats how they feel. “Do you wish he were not here? You wish you were the only one, you get angry when I spend time with him. You want me to be just with you.You were so angry you hit the baby, I cannot allow you to do that; but you can tell me when you feel like that (use your words, not actions) and I will make time for you; when you feel left out.”

Siblings without rivalry

You can never love your children equally; however you can love them uniquely. To every child; ensure you convey the uniqueness of the relationship, not the sameness. When you are with one of your children, be fully present, even if you stroke their hand, listen fully, just make them feel that there is no one like them in the world, and you will find a reduction in sibling  rivalry. Time out however may stop the behaviour but it only drives the feelings underground with no safe way for your child to show you how they are feeling or any change or getting their needs met.

Empathy is key

You need to be in touch also with how your child feels and encourage them to express how they feel – in words- not actions against another.

Being in touch with your feelings too is a vital part of parenting. Therefore, if you tune into how you feel and see you’re about to ‘lose it’ , this allows you to Take an Action for yourself, not against the Child. An action for self is to move away from the child and breathe until you calm down, go into the garden for a minute. Be real with your child and say “I love you and don’t want to get angry, I need a minute to calm down” teaches them what to do when they feel that way.

Hit the PAUSE Button

This may mean mean moving away from the child, focusing on some really deep slow breathing until you calm down. Hitting the PAUSE button is vital as otherwise our parenting is Reactive instead of being Proactive. Role modelling this teaches your child to do the same.

Acknowledge the Feeling

“Do you wish the baby was not here? Do you wish you were the only one? Sounds like you get angry when I spend time with him. Do you feel you just want me to be with just you.” This empathy is like standing in your child’s shoes and imagining how they feel. It gives them a sense of feeling understood and it will help them to manage their strong feelings and regulate them. ” You seem angry, when you calm down I can talk to you”.

Meet his needs for time & attention:(1:1 time)

Ask if there’s something special he would like to do rather than you decide. You may be surprised, he may wish to bake a cake, a trip to the park or to play a game. Ensure that your interaction is about ‘Catching him being good’ so you reinforce his good behaviour, particularly when playing with siblings. Usually building in 1:1 time is all that needs as well as positive attention to have siblings without rivalry.

Responding to your child challenging  behaviour

When he feels right, he will behave right – so your Kindness & Compassion is your No 1 response

We need to love our child unconditionally, this means when they misbehave, we seperate child from behaviour and our No 1 response is Kindness and Compassion as we know when he feels right, he won’t need the behaviour he needed to get your attention. Punishing would only serve to shut behaviour down and feeling would go underground.

One Toy – who get it?

Resolving conflict is a sophisticated lifeskill that we need to teach them so how we role model is crucial. Therefore, “BE QUIET!!!” teaches them only that shouting is how I respond when frustrated and that it is okay. Instead, help them to resolve “How can you sort it so you can both be happy? I will be here when you come up with an idea”. If they fail to , give them a choice that if they cannot resolve together, they toy is put away on the fridge and they need to play with something else.

Fighting – Seperate, stay calm, use humour and distract

You need to seperate them – but you need to be CALM, as your behaviour will be mirrored in their behaviour. Using strong eye contact, and a low voice, teach them to manage their strong feelings and don’t favour one over the other. Use DISTRACTION & HUMOUR to lighten the atmosphere. Never get involved in ‘he did this/she did it first’ as the parent always seems to get it wrong as she may not have witnessed.

The more attention you give the less they will demand

Give the attention first thing – when you come in from work as they have missed you all day. When you co operate with their need of you, you will find they will become much more co operative with your needs of them.

Uncooperative child?

I know this from personal experience – if my child is not co operating with me – at some level I may not be aware of – I have not co operated with her need of me  - when I do that  - she will mirror back co operation to me. Guarenteed!

Routine is essential

Therefore, a set bedtime, set things up the night before (lunches, clothes set out, shoes, ties, hairbrush etc) and getting up in plenty of time are all essential. A set routine around homework including a set time, place and procedure.

Encourage Independence

Encourage independence as children love to learn so put cereals, bowls and spoons in a low cupboard so they can breakfast themselves at the weekend. Never do for a child what a child can do; or learn to do for themselves and you develop competence and confidence in your child. Take the time to show them how to do things, takes more time initially but pays off in the end. Give lots of encouragement and be patient as they learn.

Connect with another child from the class

Many schools have an Open Day where their child comes into the school for a half day pre summer. There they spend a while with their teacher and new classmates. If possible arrange to meet one or more parents and your child’s classmates in the Park before September. Then (with a little preplanning) your child arrives into the yard early to find familiar faces and someone to sit with. When I did this with my last child, she met her friend at the gate and I was told to leave!

Don’t let your anxiety become your child’s anxiety!

However, I did not handle my eldest child’s first Montessori day as well. Her crying resulted in me feeling upset and anxious and unable to leave.  Looking back I can see that the teacher was experienced and needed an opportunity to settle her without my presence. Learn from my mistake and know when to leave, timing is crucial! Avoid making your child aware of your anxieties. I know now how natural it is to have a few tears and that it is likely my daughter would have settled shortly afterwards. My child picked up on my feelings of anxiety; therefore the parent needs to be solid for the child to feel secure enough to leave you.

Reassurance is vital – Stay firm, positive and empathetic if child anxious

Talk about what your child can expect when starting school and be calm, reassuring and positive with them. Do not dilute, dismiss or ignore their feelings but explore with them. If this is left to a day or two before school starts, it is too late. A child’s fears will arise from not knowing, therefore chat through the new things that will happen and reassure them that everything will be all right. If your child cries when you leave them, do not panic. An important note: do not disappear; always tell your child you are going and that you will be back. The teacher will advise you what to do and is very experienced in this regard.  It is hard to leave but go and ask to be informed when your child has settled.  You will be surprised how quickly they recover with the distraction of other children. Usually tears last between five to ten minutes for the first day or two. Certainly within a week you should find your child has settled.

Be on time to collect your child

A final word: be there early at pick up time as it is so stressful for a child not to see the parent immediately; and they have enough to cope with. Tell your child you are taking them for a smoothie after pick up on the first day so they have something special to look forward to and have your attention to tell you all about ‘big School’.  Lots of reassurance and love helps in the early days.

Ensure some Time Out for you

If it is your first child starting school, you may be working or at home with smaller children, but when your last child starts school it can be very emotional for a mum. Think in advance about this, are you going to increase your work hours, or indeed return to work? Perhaps, you have opted to stay at home and therefore have an opportunity to take up a hobby or interest. For some, they may join a tennis club, gymnasium or a golf club, for another, it may be a class that interests them. If you are working and have little time, joining a School Committee may offer you support and help in the hard task of parenting. Any of these groups can be a valuable source of information for parents throughout the school years and help deal with issues that inevitably arise.

10 Tips to deal with the Practicalities:

• Make it easy for your child: Velcro runners, no tights, elasticised waists
• Label everything clearly with the child’s name
• Get your child into uniform before the big day and show Granny
• Easy to open lunchbox and  shoulder strap schoolbag
• Order subsidised milk through school; its healthy & no bag spills
• Box of raisins or 10 grapes for ‘little break’
• Small lunch for ‘big break’, with quartered sandwich
• A drink in a plastic bag in outside pocket of schoolbag
• Uniform laid out the night before with shoes, socks, brush
• Get up half an hour earlier for a calm and happy home

10 Tips to deal with the Emotional side:

• Talk to your child, do not assume child knows what to expect
• Fears stem out of not knowing what will happen
• Do not belittle our child’s fears
• Your child may cry on the first day and that is okay, it is a release of emotions
• Do not overstay on the first day; 3-5 minutes is enough
• If you are twenty minutes in the classroom, that is too long
• Tell your child you are going and that you will be back
• Be early for pick up, or it is very stressful for a child
• Get support from other parents in the early days
• Join a School Committee, or take time for a hobby

Useful website: National Parents Council: www.npc.ie

This article was written by Sheila O’Malley, Practical Parenting, web: www.practicalparenting.ie

Positive Parenting

Relationship with self is key to effective parenting. If how I relate to myself is poor, then it is likely that my parenting is going to reflect that. If I am self critical, then I will be critical of my child, who needs only love and for me to correct the behaviour but always love his/her person.

Parenting and Self Esteem

Examining how you relate to others is revealing as the parent is the architect in the family but how is your internal architecture? Do you have an warm accepting relationship with self and if so, this will be mirrored out to your child who will have good self esteem and be solid in themselves.

Practical Parenting Tips

• Observing how you have related to others today
• An awareness emerges of the link between how I am in myself is how I am with another
• Developing a gentler, kinder way of relating to self means you will relate also this way with your child
• Watch the relationships improve as you show compassion towards self and others
• You will see that all behaviour makes sense

Parenting: It’s not what happens; but my response to it that matters

If I try change what happens between people, without examining what happens within each person, I will not resolve conflict.

Difficult behaviour in the Family

Instead, if I show unconditional love towards self and others, I and they don’t need defenses. Therefore, if you or someone in your family is troubled or troubling, the number 1 response to that person needs to be compassion. Consciousness of what lies hidden is critical and compassion provides the safety for the ‘why of the behaviour to emerge.

Parenting support

Each of us has our own story and we bring our story into every relationship. The past comes into the present until we resolve it.

How do you improve how you relate to self?

By being nicer to yourself, taking some Time out for you, recognising that you first need to take care of yourself before you take care of others, treating yourself well and being kind and accepting of yourself and your efforts. Going to bed earlier means I get up earlier; a simple change is is you normally rush & race, to Allow Adequate Time to do things, then you are calmer and more patient and children will respond better to that mummy that the cranky, impatient and irritable Mummy!

Working Parenting Groups & Work/Life Balance

Many working parents groups now focus on looking at Work/Life balance understanding that all without this balance, work and family suffer. The more the stress you are under, the greater the need to mind and take care of yourself, taking time out to exercise and walk is a MUST and makes everything else more manageable.

Watch what you eat and drink and take adequate exercise.

Be aware of portion size and avoid snacking. Find an exercise you enjoy and increase your physical activity, maybe with a friend, so there is a social element also.

Think Positive (What I choose to believe becomes true for me)

Thinking well of yourself pays enormous dividends, so praise yourself for every little thing. Turn your negative thoughts “I can’t do it” to positive ones “I can do it”. Encourage and believe in yourself, aware that if you think you can do it, that you probably can. Change the inner critical voice to a supportive one. “I accept myself as I am”. Affirmations work “I handled that really well”

Make more time for friends who make you feel good.

Friends and family can be a great support if they are the ‘spark’ people in your life, so make time for them, their belief in you is important.

Learn to say No & don’t push yourself so hard

Conflict with our kids can often come from tiredness and overload , therefore do less, say no more often, and push yourself less. If it’s hard for you to say no, say you need time to think it over.

Treat yourself!

Many mothers put everyone ahead of them, so an occasional treat shows you value yourself, and makes a difference to how you feel. It could be buying yourself some flowers or something for the bath, so don’t forget you need a bit of nurturing too!

Fun & Laughter

Have some fun with your kids. They love to see you acting silly, take time for tickles, cuddles and a laugh. Fun and laughter relieve tension and children feel valued when we choose to spend time with them.

You are a role model for your children therefore, the more you model self acceptance; the more they will accept themselves as ‘good enough’.

Maybe with the recession it’s time to look at the hype surrounding the First Holy Communions.
We have read stories about false tans, sunbeds, hair extensions and limousines to the Church over the Celtic Tiger years. Last year I remember laughing at a story of a girl who had received communion and as she turned around, her tiara lit up flashing ‘I have received’ as she walked to her pew.  The 32 colour choice of suits for boys priced up to €400 may be at an end.

Holy communion hype

The reality is that if you ask most children what they are looking forward to it is being with their friends and an informal party with cousins, granny’s and extended  family. A bouncy castle for smaller gardens can keep the children happy , but so can a Treasure Hunt that is planned ahead of time or some old fashioned  games like Tug of War, three legged race, hide and seek and chasing.

Communion memories are of family & friends

When my first daughter was making her Communion, I bought a dress in Heaton’s which was passed onto her two sisters. The cardigan was knitted by an aunt, and the hair was done at home. My youngest daughter preferred her cousin’s dress which was made from her mother’s wedding dress. The celebrations were held at home with family helping with a salad or dessert on the day. A sit down meal in a hotel at €35 a head is a bore for many children of this age, who prefer playing with other children where they can move freely.

Pressure around First Communions

All Parenting begins with the parent though, and we need to be solid in ourselves to withstand the peer pressure at this time. ‘That is the way it is in this family’ may need to be said in order to pass on your values regarding the day. For some families, that may mean spending €500 on the Communion dress, and the mum’s outfit may come from New York, for another it is something different.

Cost of First Communions

An Ulster Bank survey revealed that the average cost of a communion was €750, split between the dress and accessories and food and drink on the day. This will just increase the financial burden many family’s are under and some may even go to money lenders. The Vincent de Paul is selling dresses for €30 and a complete outfit for €70 and has many non regular customers this year.

Build memories with an innovative gift

Regarding gifts again use your imagination!  Offer an ‘experience’ and here are some examples. Important to include one of your children with the recipient or allow her bring a friend/cousin.

• A trip to the Aquatic Centre
• A trip to the Zoo with a picnic
• Two movie tickets with money for an Ice Cream Sundae after
• Treasure Hunts with buried treasure on Dalkey Island
• Train to Belfast (€10 for a child, €20 Adult) with a day in Belfast in W5 (interactive Science museum) and a pizza out.
• A Beach Day (on a sunny day!) with friends and chips on the way home
• Lambert Puppet Theatre Trip
• Horse Riding Lesson with sleepover
• A Pool session for 4/5 friends on a fun swim time at the local pool
• A trip to the Pantomime or a local amateur Show

Practical Parenting Tips:

• Remember what it is all about!
• The child says it’s about ‘being with my friends in church & a party with family afterwards’
• It is the Parent who models values for the child, be a good role model!
• Keep it simple, informal and relaxed
• Resist peer pressure, say instead ‘that’s how it done in our house’
• Decide your budget and work within it
• Take the help that’s offered re food/catering
• Dunne’s Stores  flower girl outfits with accessories are selling out!