Practical Parenting Courses

Managing your child’s difficult behaviour and teaching discipline

Sheila — Fri, 11 May 2012 08:24:29 +0000

In working with parents, I can see that most of the time when a child is behaving badly, they feel bad in themselves. It can be that they need more time and attention from the parent, and they have found a way to get attention, through their behaviour. Sadly, a child’s misbehaviour may be that they feel the only way to get their parents attention is through misbehaviour, they discover this and in their eyes, negative attention is better than no attention.

There is only one rule in this house – R E S P E C T

However, the parent need not demand Respect from the child; rather they simply need to demonstrate and teach it. Have as few rules as possible; and then ensure that you

SAY IT, MEAN IT, DO IT

Role Modelling

Parents do not realise how important their behaviour is in being a role model for their children. If I roar “BE QUIET!”; all I am teaching my children is that when angry and frustrated, that it is acceptable to raise my voice and ‘lose it’ with another.

Stay Calm

I need to be in charge of my behaviour, in order for my children to be in charge of theirs.

Take an Action for self; not against the child

When I feel I have gone from zero to ten, I need to take responsibility for my behaviour and ask myself: “What is it I need to do for myself?” Actions for self may be:

Deep breathing
Count to ten
Make a cup of tea and mind yourself till you calm down
Leave the room for a moment
Ask your partner to take over, so you can have Time Out
Stay separate to the child’s behaviour and do not personalise it
Stay calm

When your children see you take charge of yourself, to stay in charge of your behaviour, it shows them how to do that for themselves.

Acknowledge the Feeling

Taking the time to acknowledge your child’s feeling can reduce some strong feelings, here are some examples:

“I know you’d like to stay on in the Park longer, I see you like it here. But time is up for today, now we must go”
“It’s hard to get up this morning, it nice to be in bed, would you like to get up now or have an extra five minutes?”
“You miss your Granny, you loved her very much, you wish she was still here”.

When they feel right, they will behave in positive ways

Therefore, if you see that a child who is troubled or troubling is not out to make your life difficult, rather they are trying to show you how difficult life is for them, then does it not make sense that the best response is showing kindness to them. “I love you, but I cannot accept this behaviour” is the best response as “You’re bold” simply makes the child feel they are bad, and their troubling behaviour will escalate until someone sees their distress.

They more positive Time & Attention you give your child, the less they will demand

Time In versus Time Out

Think about if you were 2/4/6/8 and an angry parent sent y to Time Out; how would you feel? When I ask parents this, the responses are always the same:

Abandoned, lonely, confused, angry, bad about myself, upset, alone, isolated etc. Many parents find it does not work and therefore if your child does not feel right, perhaps they need Time In?

Time In

Time in is Time into the feelings that underlie the behaviour and children respond very well to this less punitive and rigid approach. I will approach the child with gentleness and calmness and try to acknowledge their feeling. “Sounds like you’re upset honey, are you okay? Sit with the child and explore their feeling and try to give them a sense of feeling understood, this reduces their heightened emotions and your role modelling of calmness teaches them how to behave.

Say it in words; not actions – “When you calm down, I can talk to you”

Is a boundary around how the parent allows the child to behave towards them. Remember, no one disrespects me unless I allow them to. Therefore, regardless of age, ensure your children know you are not available for shouting/hitting/biting/screaming/or insults from a teenager by telling them “I am not available for shouting; when you calm down I can talk to you”

It is good to set a boundary around how to respond to anger or upset and therefore telling your child to ‘Say it in words; not actions” teaches them to come to you with their distress.

Give positive attention when children behaving well

Ignore negative behaviour

Offer a Choice: “Would you like to wear the red one or the blue one?”

8 Minutes a day 1:1 Time is all a child needs to feel good

One on One Time works wonders as your child needs positive attention and time with you, to feel loved, valued and secure. Notice his/her behaviour improve as you offer daily One on One time

Choice & Consequence – do not over use!!

“If you choose to fight, you are choosing to miss your TV show”

“If you choose not to fight, you are choosing to have your TV show”

“You decide”

Consequences should be given without getting cross, as the child has made that choice, also

Consequences should:

Come with a warning:

Natural: if you make a mess; you tidy up “As soon as you tidy, you can watch your show”

Fair: many parents over punish, so an apology, miss some TV, lose a treat/privilege etc

For further information

Practical Parenting now offer Well-being in the Workplace as well as Parenting services including: Wellbeing Talks and Wellness Webinars, One to one Parent Support, Parenting Talks and Parenting Courses. You can read parent feedback or company testimonials from people who have availed of these services.

Click here to see the schedule / make a booking or check out our helpful Q & A , Videos, Articles or our Blog. Please contact Sheila with any query and we welcome your comments.

Potty Training

Sheila — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 13:10:07 +0000

When is the best time to potty train your child? The best sign is one from your child that indicates that they want to begin the process of potty training. The easiest way to notice is when they say ‘I want to do it myself’ and meet it with encouragement and support. This usually is about the age of two –but varys widely.

Potty Training Pointers

There is no best method of potty training except having a parent who is relaxed, not withdrawing love when the child makes a mistake. Our childs greatest need is our love and the withdrawal of that- or crossness, impatience etc makes the child feel less secure and may mean they go into avoidance to prevent a reoccurance of the parents getting mad.
If there is a fear of the toilet; it is usual that the toilet has an association of something negative, did the parent rush them or get irritable with them. Learning to hold or release is all about feeling relaxed; therefore respond with love, patience and a bit of fun. Maybe a distraction like a potty for your childs favourite doll or teddy for the bathroom. Favorite books or maybe even a star chart can help.
The Creche say to start:Pay no attention to the crèche, you are the mother and go with your gut. Better start a little too late than too early. It obviously suits the crèche to have children trained but readiness for toilet training needs come from the child rather than to convenience the crèche!
What if they have a few accidents? Certainly, presenting them with a nappy may be a bit demoralising for them, if not perhaps pull ups would take the pressure off. The most important thing however is to respond to accidents with calmness not crossness. Mistakes are how we learn and we make mistakes and need make it safe for our child to make a mistake; knowing that that’s how they learn.
Readiness on the child’s part is crucial; they are interested and this increases the possibility of the training going well. Lots of patience showing them how to sit on the potty, remembering the importance of buying the new underwear.
Encourage your child to sit on the potty at key times maybe with a book or toy. A star chart is a great reminder to parents to keep up the positive encouragement, support that your child needs. Accidents will happen but remember not to get cross. A key point is that if there are more accidents than successes; perhaps you have begun the process a little early and it may be necessary to leave it for a while.
Above all, be calm and patient, remembering the more positivity you give your child; the greater the chance of a successful potty training!

Sheila O’Malley established Practical Parenting to offer support and training to Parents. She facilitates courses and seminars, delivers talks around family wellbeing. Sheila is a well regarded contributor to radio and TV. In addition, she is a former parenting correspondent for Independent Newspapers. She is renowned for her practical, empathetic, professional and balanced approach. Sheila was trained by Dr Tony Humphreys and is a qualified Parent Mentor. Practical Parenting offer the following services:

One to One Parent Mentoring available
Parenting Talks to Schools/Organisations/Companies
Keynote Conference Speaker
Courses/Workshops run throughout the year.

For further information

Click here to see the schedule / make a booking or check out our helpful Q & A , Videos, Articles or our Blog. Please contact Sheila with any query and we welcome your comments.

Conflict & Children’s Difficult Behaviour

Sheila — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 13:52:37 +0000

Positive Parenting works, when the relationship is based on mutual respect, good listening and unconditional love.

What’s the problem?

According to David Coleman, the biggest problem is parental anxiety and over involvement. His advice is to sit back, relax and only get involved when absolutely necessary. Try not give attention to negative behaviour, instead give positive attention as much as possible and offer your children the time and attention that is often at the root of much challenging behaviour.

Diffusing Conflict:

The secret is if you are interacting well the majority of the time, conflict is something you get over easily, as the relationship is better and you ‘get back on track’ quicker

Hit the PAUSE button
Take a deep breath and say ‘I’ll deal with it later’
Move away – even to other side of room breathing deeply allows you get in control of your response
Humour – sometimes can diffuse
Be Kind, firm and consistent without breaking relationship

Conflict Resolution is a skill they need to learn

When children fight-do not jump in-it does not WORK!

PAUSE..Listen..Help them to sort out relationship
Calm voice – calms the situation
“How can you sort it out so you are both happy”?
Encourage them to work as a team helps sibling rivalry; reward them with your attention when they are playing together without fighting.

Out of control child needs – A Parent who is IN control

Stay calm as your behaviour gets repeated by your children
Role model the behaviour you wish to see from them
Acknowledge how they feel - “Sounds like you’re upset; I’m happy to talk with you when you calm down”

Choice/Consequences:

Only use consequences you are in control of; TV, pocket money - “If you choose to tidy before dinner; you’re choosing a TV show after; you decide”

For further information

Click here to see the schedule / make a booking or check out our helpful Q & A , Videos, Articles or our Blog. Please contact Sheila with any query and we welcome your comments.

Wellbeing – Building Resilience

Sheila — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 10:19:56 +0000

How good are you at taking care of yourself? If you look after yourself, you are more resilient and effective. Look after yourself, then you are better equipped to look after everything else.

Easy Solutions for busy People

The No 1 Stress Reliever is Exercise: 30 minutes a day five times a week is recommended.

In the moment of stress, take an action for yourself: Take a moment to close your eyes and do a few deep abdominal breaths to help you to stay calm in the moment.

Breathe in through the nose slowly and deeply and breathe out through the mouth.
If you find it hard to concentrate, silently say ‘in’ as you breathe in, and ‘out’ as you breathe out.
Pause at the end of each in breath and pause again at the end of each out breath.
Place your hand on your lower abdomen (just under the belly button) and as you breathe in, try to feel your stomach pushing against your hand and as you breathe out, try to feel your stomach compressing until its empty.

Outside Work:

You work hard, you deserve a break, treat yourself well, mind yourself and meet your own needs.

Schedule downtime
Eat & sleep well
Allow adequate time
Know your limits
Take time for partner, friends, family
Do more what makes you feel good
Leave work at work
Take one hour a week for a hobby/interest.

For further information

Click here to see the schedule / make a booking or check out our helpful Q & A , Videos, Articles or our Blog. Please contact Sheila with any query and we welcome your comments.

Top 10 Listening Skills – A skill that can be learned

Sheila — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 07:17:29 +0000

We were given two ears but only one mouth. This is because God knew that listening was twice as hard as talking.

Practical Tips to help you listen more often and more effectively

1. Stop Talking

2. Eye Contact

3. Focus on Listening

4. Listen to non verbal communication

5. Do not interrupt

6. Stay calm, even if they vent

7. Listen for the feeling behind the words

8. Empathise – try stand in their shoes & feel how they feel

9. Clarify that you have understood

10. Address Feelings (theirs and yours)

“Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us all without words?”
M Marceau

For further information

Click here to see the schedule / make a booking or check out our helpful Q & A , Videos, Articles or our Blog. Please contact Sheila with any query and we welcome your comments.

Time Out? How to discipline children? What every Parent needs to know…

Sheila — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 09:01:43 +0000

There is only one rule in this house – R E S P E C T

However, the parent need not demand Respect from the child; rather they simply need to demonstrate and teach it. Have as few rules as possible; and then ensure that you
SAY IT, MEAN IT, DO IT

Role Modelling

Stay Calm

I need to be in charge of my behaviour, in order for my children to be in charge of theirs.

Take an Action for self; not against the child

When I feel I have gone from zero to ten, I need to take responsibility for my behaviour and ask myself: “What is it I need to do for myself?” Actions for self may be:

Deep breathing
Count to ten
Make a cup of tea and mind yourself till you calm down
Leave the room for a moment
Ask your partner to take over, so you can have Time Out
Stay separate to the child’s behaviour and do not personalise it
Stay calm

When your children see you take charge of yourself, to stay in charge of your behaviour, it shows them how to do that for themselves.

Acknowledge the Feeling

Taking the time to acknowledge your child’s feeling can reduce some strong feelings, here are some examples:

“I know you’d like to stay on in the park longer, I see you like it here. But time is up for today, now we must go”
“It’s hard to get up this morning, it nice to be in bed, would you like to get up now or have an extra five minutes?”
“You miss your Granny, you loved her very much, you wish she was still here”

When they feel right, they will behave in positive ways

The more positive Time & Attention you give your child, the less they will demand

Time In V Time Out

Think about if you were 2, 4,6,8 and an angry parent sent you to Time Out; how would you feel? When I ask parents this, the responses are always the same:

Abandoned, lonely, confused, angry, bad about myself, upset, alone, isolated etc. Many parents find it does not work and therefore if your child does not feel right, perhaps they need Time In?

Time In

“Say it in words; not actions”

“When you calm down, I can talk to you”
Is a boundary around how the parent allows the child to behave towards them. Remember, no one disrespects me unless I allow them to. Therefore, regardless of age, ensure your children know you are not available for shouting/hitting/biting/screaming/or insults from a teenager by telling them “I am not available for shouting; when you calm down I can talk to you”

It is good to set a boundary around how to respond to anger or upset and therefore telling your child to ‘Say it in words; not actions” teaches them to come to you with their distress.

Give positive attention when children behaving well
Ignore negative behaviour
Offer a Choice: “Would you like to wear the red one or the blue one?”

8 Minutes a day 1:1 Time is all a child needs to feel good

One on One Time works wonders as your child needs positive attention and time with you, to feel loved, valued and secure. Notice his/her behaviour improve as you offer daily One on One time

Choice & Consequence – do not over use!!

“If you choose to fight, you are choosing to miss your TV show”
“If you choose not to fight, you are choosing to have your TV show”
“You decide”

Consequences should be given calmly, as the child has made that choice, also

Consequences should:

Come with a warning:
Natural: if you make a mess; you tidy up “As soon as you tidy, you can watch your show”
Fair: many parents over punish, so an apology, miss some TV, lose a treat/privilege etc

For further information

Click here to see the schedule / make a booking or check out our helpful Q & A , Videos, Articles or our Blog. Please contact Sheila with any query and we welcome your comments.

Exam Stress

Sheila — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 10:57:48 +0000

We read more and more about exam stress and wonder what we can do to help our students with the pressures many are experiencing while facing exams. The students’ …response to the stress may be lack of concentration, inability to sleep or oversleeping, or they may develop an eating disorder.

Source of Stress

Exams are stressful for students due to the unknown as well as fear of failure and work volume. If the issue is fear of failure, it is important to lower or clarify expectations for the teenager so the exams seem more achievable. However, if the issue is that they are overwhelmed by the workload, breaking down into manageable chunks is helpful and setting achievable targets with a study plan.

The deeper issue

However, frequently the student needs an emphasis on relational depth as often the exam stress is emphasising that perhaps they feel seen for performance, and not for self. Their deepest need is to feel loved and seen not for what they do, but for whom they are. The purpose of the stress symptom is to emphasise some aspect of self that is being neglected, and the response is to address the self issue and not the symptom itself.

Standard responses to exam stress

For example: for someone experiencing exam stress, possible cures include; counselling to reduce fear of failure, positive thinking. Meditation or tranquilisers. However, often the issue is not the exam. The real issue that needs attending to is: ‘I am not an exam result’. The person feels that the exam is a measure of their self worth, and then it is that that needs to be resolved. The student needs to feel that her worth lies in her unique and special presence, and that the exam is a measure of a set of questions, not a measure of her worth. Then the exam stress dissolves. The resolution of exam stress will only come about when the threat to self acceptance has been removed.

The most important ‘A’

The most important ‘A’ our teenagers need is an ‘A’ in emotional health. The reality is that the heart comes before the head, and our young people cannot attend at an intellectual level (head) if things are not right for them at a heart (emotional) level.

Stress busters to aid the exam students:

Deep breathing to calm, a guided relaxation or a meditation cd may be helpful. Exercise and good diet is critical at this time as fresh air helps them sleep. Finally, a deep conviction of feeling loved for self and not for their exam performance is vital.

For further information

Click here to see the schedule / make a booking or check out our helpful Q & A , Videos, Articles or our Blog. Please contact Sheila with any query and we welcome your comments.

Reducing Personal Stress

Sheila — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 15:13:36 +0000

Stress is what happens when we stop doing the things that sustain us in managing our busy lifestyles. There are many things we can do that will enhance our ability to manage the stress in our personal life. Our ability to deal with pressures will be improved when you remember to do the following:

Know your limits

Knowing your limits means that you realise that you cannot do everything. You can shop online for groceries, ask for help, hire in a cleaner for a couple hours weekly, and cook in bulk so Bolognese is for tonight, but also Lasagne two days later with extra for the freezer. Get your partner and children to share the work load, kids love to earn stars with a reward at the weekend. Make a request and ensure you acknowledge their efforts; and they will do more!

Name your feeling

Acknowledging how you feel is important so stating: ‘I’m feeling stressed financially’ allows you to name the feeling, to claim it as being only about you and also to tame it ‘what actions can I take here. You may reduce spending, talk to your bank, seek support etc.

Take time for pleasure

At the end of a long day, treat yourself to a relaxing candlelit bath and a scented body lotion for pampering. You work hard, you deserve a break and to treat yourself well. Lie down and take a few moments to read a favourite book, to listen to some beautiful music or to mediate. We need to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others, conflict ensues when we neglect our needs and we end up cranky, irritable and impatient. Take time for yourself, to sustain you, to relax and to recharge.

Be in touch with your needs and meet them

If you feel anxious or overwhelmed, ask yourself ‘What is it I need to do for myself’? It may be to express some of your concerns, to close your eyes and practice some relaxation exercises, to do something else to take your mind off things, to write a list or to ask for help. Think about what helps you cope with pressure and resolve to do the things that build you up to meet those challenges.

Get out – you need Time Out!

Time and time again, I am told that taking just one hour a week to meet a friend, to walk to a class, enjoy time for friendship and an activity you enjoy, makes such a difference in being better in oneself. Support your partner to do the same, so he gets to the gym and another evening you take time out for you. So many people are not having any of their needs met and wonder why they are stressed! We have needs: Physical needs for exercise, for rest, Emotional needs: To connect with a friend or partner, to express some of what we are feeling, Social needs: to stay in touch with old friends and feel connected, Intellectual needs: Whether its a book club, or starting a course, it is our responsibility to meet our needs so we can meet the needs of others at work and at home.

DO, DELAY, DELEGATE, DUMP

Finally, to remember this: You do not have to do everything; there are things you need to

DO
Some you may need to DELAY
Others you need to DELEGATE
And finally, some things perhaps you may need to DUMP!

For some more ideas on managing stress, click here

Managing Stress – How to cope with stress

Sheila — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 09:59:39 +0000

People are experiencing more stress than ever before – what are the things we can do that will make a difference?

What causes stress?

Stress symptoms constitute one of the most obvious ways that the individual expresses threats to well being. The person creates the stress symptom in order to draw attention to what it is that they need to do for themselves. First, the symptoms manifest physically i.e. aches, pains etc but if not dealt with; symptoms will escalate to more serious manifestations i.e. ulcers, heart disease etc. Therefore, see the stress symptom as an opportunity to uncover the real issue.

What are the symptoms of Stress?

Tension headaches
Migraine
Back pain
Chest pain
Increased heart rate
High blood pressure
Dizziness/excessive perspiration
Dry mouth
Insomnia
Fatigue
Nervousness.

Consequences of Stress:

Behavioural: Smoking, drinking, drug use, emotional eating, violence
Psychological: Sleep issues, anxiety, panic, depression, overwhelmed
Medical Consequences: Headaches, back pain, ulcers, stomach & skin conditions, heart disease & stroke.

What are the solutions to reducing Stress?

Exercise
Sleep/Relaxation
Time management
Role Management
Support Groups
Work/Life balance.

Top Tips to be Stress free:

Take time for self (downtime)
Eat a healthy diet
Drink in moderation
Take time as a couple
Don’t push yourself too hard
Ask for help/support
Learn to say No, by knowing your limits
Have a balance between work & home life
Rest when you are tired
Allow adequate time
Affirm self/Believe in self/Encourage self/Reward self/ Treat self
Take time to see friends
Take time for a walk/hobby/join a club
Time to relax means you reenergise and feel refreshed.

Tips for Personal Wellbeing

Sheila — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:01:53 +0000

Would you like to feel ‘better in yourself’? Most of us are interested in discovering ways we can feel good, content, and more secure in ourselves. A feeling of happiness ironically is not about getting what you want, but more about wanting what you have.

How do I get to feeling better in myself?

Studies prove that we need to experience a minimum of 3:1 positives to every negative in our working and personal life, yet if we want to thrive the positivity ratio goes up to 5:1.These positives can be an experience, an interaction or a communication. For example when someone speaks to us negatively, counts as one; i.e.: “You’re wrong about that/ you never ..” whereas a positive communication i.e.: “That was not an easy time for you”. In this case, we would need 5 positive comments to negate one negative communication.

Gratitude Journal

Keeping a gratitude journal is proven to increase feelings of wellbeing, therefore record three or more things every day that you feel grateful for. This exercise changes the focus from a negative perspective to a more positive one. Examples can be: ‘I am grateful for my family, my health and having a job’

Take Care of yourself, so you can take care of others

Some of us are more out of practice than others and need to focus on loving ourselves healthily, not selfishly. You work hard, you deserve a break and to treat yourself and you do deserve. Do you really believe this? If you do not, then resolve to affirm yourself and treat yourself better; starting now. Tell yourself you are worth it; especially if you do not feel that way about yourself. Show it in all your actions towards yourself, by resting yourself, eating well, physical care of self, taking a break or a well earned rest.

Tell yourself what you did right-even when things went wrong

Most of us have an ‘inner critic’ working overtime and we beat ourselves up all the time. Resolve to kill the inner critic and instead be your own best friend. Tell yourself what you did well and you will do more of it. Therefore, if you finish making a presentation at work for the first time, an example may be: ‘I did very well today and when I have done more of these; I will do even better, well done!’

Take Time to Reflect and Live better

Taking the time to do some deep breathing, a relaxation exercise or a little meditation enhances feelings of wellbeing as it centres you when you are anxious or overwhelmed. Time to reflect means we are less reactive with others and more proactive and all our relationships improve.

Giving back increases wellbeing

Despite all the challenges we face, people still give their time generously in the community and the schools. For the small contribution of time (perhaps a couple hours a month) we connect in with people, we feel supported and always seem to get back much more than the little we contributed.

Take time for pleasure

A few minutes to sow some spring bulbs in the garden can renew, recharge and refocuses us. Find something where you are in the ‘flow’ (where you lose time and become immersed in the activity; for me it is gardening!) and make a little time for it.