Self Esteem and your Child or Teen

Their self worth is dependent on their performance, not on feeling loved for their person. Over attention to a behavior that gained them recognition, not only breeds massive insecurity, it narrows field of endeavor to ‘success’ areas. I meet many parents who felt as a child or teen ‘seen’ for what they did (academic success, sporting achievement, musical success etc) but that left them feeling that that is what they were loved for , their sense is that they did not feel loved for themselves – and yet that was their deepest need. For more on Parenting at Exam Time see http://www.practicalparenting.ie/2013/03/26/junior-cert-leaving-cert-help-with-exams/

Perfectionists feel loved for getting things perfect, but their need is to feel loved for themselves

Creatively, as a child when you sense this, you do whatever you have to do to feel loved – even if you have to become a perfectionist as you know you are the one seen for getting things perfect, if it gains you visibility you become perfectionist in your behaviors. However, you real need is simply to feel loved whether what you do is perfect or not.

Effort is what matters, not the Performance

Emphasis on performance creates unhealthy competitiveness, resulting in comparisons between individuals.

Top Tips for Parenting your Child or Teen

The best form of competitiveness is Self competition, the person is encouraged and supported to challenge themselves from present level of attainment.

Avoidance of challenge is fear of not being good enough.

Your child needs to feel loved for themselves, not for what they achieve, therefore ensure that you meet their efforts with encouragement and support but that you ensure they feel loved regardless or their positive or sometimes negative behaviors  Try to separate the child/teen from their behaviours, and that means you may need to correct the behavior or praise the behavior  but regardless you always always love them for themselves, and not for what they do (positively or negatively).

Conditional love is when you feel loved for what you do and not for who you are

People before performance, child needs to feel unconditionally loved, so praise behavior, or correct behavior, but always always love them for themselves & not for what they do (or don’t do).

The more we are self aware, the more productive we can be at work and at home.

Make New Choices and Take New Actions

The more we understand ourselves the more we can respond in the way we need. Also, we understand others better, it’s like we can get under our behaviours and also the behaviour of others.

What is your leadership style?

How do you interact with yourself and others?

Are you:                                  Challenge is to become more:

Hard                                                         Soft on Self

Rigid                                                         Flexible

Passive                                                   Assert Self

Over pleasing                                      Take time to please self

Conform to others wishes              Be an individual

Care for others                                    Balance with care for self

Responsible for others                    I am only responsible for myself

Perfectionistic                                    You are perfect in yourself

‘I’ve too much to do’                       ‘I need to do more for myself’

‘I’ve no time’                                       ‘I value my time’

I’m so stressed’                                 ‘I need downtime’

The psychology of your performance

Perhaps, up to now, you have been unconsciously interacting in a particular way with yourself,having no time, stressed, too much to from taking on too much, taking responsibility for too many people, having to do everything perfect, having unrealistic expectations of myself, trying to please others and the list goes on. Stop. Now, become conscious of doing that and self-awareness creates the possibility for positive change.

What need to emerge?

• Your need for care
• Your need for kindness towards self
• Your need to speak up when someone’s aggresses you  (or to leave)
• Your need to approve of yourself in a way you are seeking from others
• Your need to only be responsible for self
• Your need to see your own perfection
• Your need to do more for yourself
• Your need to value yourself
• Your need to value your time & not let others squander it
• Your need for downtime/fun/friends

Boundaries are required

Strengthen the boundaries you have round yourself to ensure you from you on; don’t take on what is not yours. Keep your Time and your energy from being sabotaged by others. Delegate, say no and take time before committing to more projects.

Good Luck!

Stress and Exams

I have learnt from my mistakes regarding exams and what teenagers need and hope you find this helpful.

Help with exams

The only control you have over your teen is the strength of your relationship with them. The more you work on relating to them in positive ways, the more influence you have over guiding them in the lead up to exams. You cannot force them to study and even if they are up in their rooms, you have no idea if they are studying or not. Therefore, work instead on encouraging and supporting them in their learning efforts and helping them in any blocks they face.

School tips for parents

There are many things you can do to reduce the stress at home during exam time. The most important is to be in a ‘good place’ so you offer them the support they need at this time. Your calmness will have a very positive effect on the atmosphere at home so ensure you do what you need to remain calm and supportive over the coming weeks.

Parenting help: Encouragement and Belief in their ability is crucial

Think about a major challenge you have faced: what did you need? That is what your teen needs:

• Belief: ‘ You can do it’
• To have your effort acknowledged
• Encouragement
• See your potential
• They may need  to feel understood and listened to

Study Skills: Help them set goals

Talk with them (as opposed to talking ‘to’ them) about how they feel about the exams and ensure they know you are there for them. Help them to set goals as we all need a destination to work towards.

Junior & Leaving Cert: Set up good routines

• A study desk with proper lighting in a quiet area/room
• Homework done straight after school
• A study schedule for evening/weekend
• Avail of supervised study if offered by the school during Easter etc.

Exams:Study Routines

• Be organised with everything you need
• Decide the block of study, two/four hours, four subjects, five minutes breaks or fifteen minute break halfway through

Exam Stress

A little stress (Eustress) can be helpful to motivate you to get started. However, when stress gets out of hand it inhibits our teen’s ability to focus on the work in hand. The number one response to in the minute stress is to focus on deep abdominal breathing. In the longer term to deep stress at bay is to exercise to help keep perspective and to stay on top of things! A healthy diet and getting outdoors is also helpful in staying in control of exam stress.

Advice for parents:Fear of failure

This is often due to feeling anxious about the ‘unknown’ element of exams, fear of failure and the amount of work to be done. This is where the parent comes in. Fear of failure is very common and unhelpful to our teenagers.

Stress & Exams:

Ensure that your teenager knows they are not ‘an exam result’ and they are loved for themselves, not for what they do. Therefore, if you encounter your teen where they have gone into avoidance or seemed overwhelmed, the approach needs to be ‘Hi honey how are you, I love you’ with no mention of exams. Listen to them and offer support and assure them that their welfare is paramount.

Junior Cert & Leaving Cert: Keep expectations realistic

Keep your expectations realistic and never ever confuse your teenager with their performance and that they need know they are always more important to you than anything else!

Exam Study:Break tasks into manageable chunks

How do you eat an elephant? One bit at a time, so the concept of ‘chunking’ is helpful.

A huge task can immobilise us, whereas when we break it down into manageable chunks it is easier. Something we dread is best approached by allocating it ten minutes to see how much we can achieve and it may be less daunting once we begin!

Help with exams:See their effort and learning will continue

What you put out comes back to you (Positive or Negative) and the more you put out, the more you get back so keep telling them what they are doing well and catch them being good!

Parenting the exam student

• Have the food they like so you ensure they eat
• Ensure they get adequate sleep
• Encourage exercise to help relax
• They are under pressure, so don’t add to it
• Believe in their intelligence & capability
• See their effort & believe in their capacity
• Encourage & praise
• Negotiate where there are difference between you, if you force a person they will resist you
• You can’t do the work for them, and this exam is their responsibility
• Do not personalise what they say or their behaviour, it’s 100% about them, how they are feeling and what they are going through
• When your child deserves your love the least, they need it the most
• The most important ‘A’ is an ‘A’ in Emotional Health (there’s a lot going on for our teens)
• You cannot attend at a ‘head’ level if things are not right at a ‘heart’ level
• Intelligence & Knowledge are not the same
• Failure sets the next challenge

Why learning/effort stops

When learning is threatening, a teenager goes into Avoidance, Sickness, and Perfectionism and has a Fear of Failure. Ensure they know they are always more imortant than the result, this exam is not a prophesy of your future lives. Treat your young person with unconditional love, loving them not for what they do, but who they are. Their intelligence is only one way in which they express their individuality

Tips for Parent

• You cannot take care of them till you first take care of you
• Do not push yourself too hard, for the sake of your children – if you are calm, so are they.
• Allow adequate time if bringing them into exams to reduce stress – get up earlier!
• Ask what you can do for them to help/support them
• Rushing and racing results in feeling stressed; and you are not in a good place to parent

Sheila O Malley is a fully qualified Parent & Relationships Mentor and runs Parenting/Wellbeing Talks, Courses and Workshops in addition to her One to One Parent mentoring service. See www.practicalparenting.ie or e mail info@practicalparenting.ie

All Behaviour makes Sense

The importance of story

The psychology of your leadership style & performance

People do not have problems, they have defences they needed to survive the defensive behaviour of another. The defence you show today, is the past re-enacted in the present. We use our defences to protect us, until we no longer need them. As a child, we were all dependent on the adults in our lives who had their own emotional baggage. There is no blame here as every parent does their best, does their best with what they got themselves and with where they are at in themselves.

Leadership & Performance come from a strong sense of self

Every child feels lovable and capable and has a strong self-worth. The interaction of the parent if it does not mirror the child’s lovability and capability means the child has to hide aspects of him/her until it is safe to show again. A simple example can be: An aggressive parent means the child may develop Timidity/shyness and passivity to stay safe with the adult, where it’s not safe for the child to assert themselves to the parent, their defence and their behaviour makes perfect sense.

Child’s deepest need is to be loved for self, not for what they do

The self-worth however is like a diamond; it is indestructible and is always there, it just waits for the safety to re-emerge. The child is looking to be loved for self, but most parenting is conditional, as we confuse the child’s behaviour with their person. If only every parent said, ‘I love you, but that behaviour is not okay, the child’s self-esteem would remain intact. Instead parent /child interaction is more likely to be: Be good, be clever, be perfect, be quiet, do what I say, and when the child is not, the parent may become cross and the inner world of the child becomes threatened. The child develops defences to survive the defensive behaviour of the parent.

Defences of Parent/Child may be either

Acting in                                                                    Challenge is to:

• Passive/Timid/Shy                                 Assert Self
• Perfectionistic                                           See your own perfection
• Self-critical                                                 Affirm self
• Blames self                                                  Own your responsibility
• Over pleasing                                             ‘I am not my pleasing’
• Compliant/Conforms                            ‘I am here too’

Acting Out                                                               Challenge is to:

• Controlling to others                             Self control
• Hyper critical                                            Become Affirming
• Harsh                                                            Become Kind
• Rigid                                                              Become Flexible
• Destructive behaviour                          Constructive behaviour
• Bullying                                                        Champion

We develop addictions                                       Challenge is to:

• Addiction to getting it perfect              ‘I am perfect in myself’
• Addicted to food                                         Nurturing yourself
• Addicted to what other people think/    Thinking well of yourself
• Addicted to alcohol                                         Express what’s hidden
• Addicted to work                                              Assert your worth
• Addicted to caring                                            Care for self & others balanced

Many of us had the experience of having a parent for whom work/sport/alcohol was more important to them, than our presence. The impact on the self-worth of the child is devastating as their feeling is ‘Maybe I’m not good enough/lovable/acceptable’. Maybe now we can change limiting beliefs.

No change required – just to unfold

The challenge is simply to unfold to what was always there, your unique lovability and capability. To do this we need to mother ourselves in the way that we needed and may not have got. How do we do this? It’s a way of being with ourselves that is a move from being harsh with ourselves to being gentler with ourselves, to ease up on ourselves. To be compassionate and forgiving of ourselves, the development of a kinder way of relating to ourselves in all our daily interactions. The fathering of ourselves is to offer ourselves again what we may have needed and not got, to offer ourselves the backup, the support, the encouragement, to show belief in ourselves and in our capacity. To trust in ourselves, to believe in ourselves and to affirm our vast capability in our everyday lives.

Passive/Shy/Timid

Examples of this may be: if what came up for you to ‘I am passive’, to understand you may have needed this defence as a child to survive a parent whom you found threatening, however as an adult you can make new choices and take new actions. The challenge may be to assert yourself when you meet someone who does not treat you with worth and dignity, or if that is too difficult to limit your exposure to this person by taking an action for self and walking away or choosing not to see this person until you are strong enough to find your voice to assert yourself.

Carer: Did you have to hide your need for Care? Challenge is: Self Care

For the person who is a Carer, taking responsibility for too many people and too many things and with poor boundaries around their own time and neglecting themselves, the challenge is simply self-care. To balance time for self with time for others. When asked to do things to learn to say ‘Leave it with me, and I will check my schedule’. Instead of pleasing everyone except you, to drag yourself up from the bottom of your priority list. Do something to please yourself today, take time out for yourself, every time you say Yes to someone; too see you are saying No to yourself.

Perfectionist: Challenge is: Can you now see your own perfection?

For the Perfectionist to see where that defence came from. Often, the focus growing up was on the performance rather than the effort and the child felt seen for getting it ‘perfect. The child may think that is why they are loved, for their perfection rather than for themselves. What drives the perfectionist is fear of never being good enough. The challenge is to see your own perfection, that you were not an exam result, or a performance, but someone who needed to simply be loved for your unique and un repeatable presence and to do that for yourself now.

Controlling/Dominant/Aggressive: Challenge is: Self Control

This defence arises from fear and from a childhood experience where they felt rejected, abandoned, critised or put down and this person may call all the shots, makes all the decisions, controls everyone and everything. The purpose of the defence is to avoid a reoccurrence of the earlier painful experience. Their challenge is to learn Self Control when fear arises to stop, to take three deep breaths and to ask ‘What do I need to do now to support myself?’

Unemotional: Challenge is: Start tuning into how you feel & express your feelings& receive others feelings

‘I’ve no time for feelings’ Challenge: Reconnect the head with the heart and operate from both

Are you this person and where did that come from? Could it have been that there was no one there for me with time for my feelings when I was a small child? What was that like? A small child learns to repress their emotions when there is nowhere to go to with their upset, as there is no one there anyway, so they have no choice but to disconnect from how they feel. Many homes have a ban on emotional expression so children learn to suppress how they feel and embody feelings.

Step 1: Connect with the small child and stay with the feelings of what that was like. Do you feel sorry for that small child? Now, empathy is born, compassion is there for self and for others.

Step 2: Take time to ‘tune into’ how you feel, listen to yourself and to what is going on for you

Step 3: Express how you feel: Get into the habit of ‘I feel.. upset/overwhelmed/tired/let down and make a request around that  …’and I need’ and receive the other persons feeling by acknowledging how they feel: ‘Sounds like you’re angry about….’ and playing back to them what you are hearing.

You may have had to hide your feelings as a child, however as an adult, it is safe to express how you feel and to receive the other persons feelings. A habit of journaling is helpful to get in touch with how you feel and how others feel or simply taking time out to reflect.

Summary:

Stay Separate to the defensive behaviours of others as they belong to them and are about them. Only one person needs to change to create a shift and you cannot change anyone except yourself. Observe your response to other people’s behaviours and resolve not to personalise it and instead to take care of yourself in their behaviour.

What is there was no need to change?    By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

What is there is no need to change?

No need to transform yourself into someone more compassionate, more loving or wise?

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature

Gentle and compassionate and capable of living fully, let go and dance..

The challenge is not to manage our time, but to manage ourselves

Can you identify with any of this?

• Not balanced Work/Home Life
• Partners/children getting ‘leftovers’
• Poor self-care (delays calling dentist/doctor)
• Poor Boundaries around himself/herself
• Always available
• Takes too much responsibility on
• Difficulty in saying No
• Always in ‘Doing’ mode, little ‘Being’ mode
• Fear of failure
• Having to prove self
• Perfectionist
• Addicted to work
• Filling a void

Maybe for you, Being Busy means ‘I am of worth’.  What is driving you?

Are you likely to say something like: ‘I’m so busy; I haven’t time’?  Time for what?  Probably time for family, whether partner or children, maybe time for friends, but ultimately: Time for Self.

How does ‘never having time’ impact on self and others?

Take a moment to reflect the impact it has on loved ones; and the impact it has on you never having enough time. It is likely you are firing off in different directions, feeling tense and a little stressed much of the time. What is behind the statement: ”I’m so busy, I haven’t time”? What has happened for the person that they are always so pressurised?

Who else had ‘no time’ for you?

Having time for loved ones, arises from having time for self. Therefore, prescriptions do not work, if you are doing this, perhaps examine ‘How was it I wasn’t balanced? How was it, I wasn’t looking after myself”?  If you have no time for self, perhaps reflect for a moment, who else had ‘No time for you’? Often, it is a parent who was addicted to work, or sports or alcohol and the impact on the child is devastating. It directly impacts on their feelings of self-worth, and on how they value themselves.

Shift from not valuing to  valuing your time by valuing self

Their feelings are likely to be ‘I’m not good enough, I don’t measure up, I don’t deserve, and I’m not worth it’. A lack of deservedness and self-worth mean we don’t value our time; therefore the shift needed is to shift from not valuing to valuing your time. When we move from unconscious to conscious, we can do something different, we can value ourselves in the way we always needed to feel valued, we can perhaps be the parent to ourselves we needed our parent to be to us.

Have Boundaries around your Time – take care of your time

When we make the shift towards approving of ourselves, we no longer need to neglect ourselves by never saying No, or over caring for others in order to be validated externally.  Therefore, self-approval and self-acceptance are the key to positive change. When we approve of ourselves, we automatically take care of our time, set healthy boundaries and balance caring for others with caring for self.

Women’s greatest challenge is asking and receiving help/saying No

Many women have a problem in asking for help and receiving support. As they improve how they relate to turn to themselves, they automatically accept help that is offered graciously, or accept the compliment offered, without needing to ‘Return to Sender’. Last week, I received an e mail from a lady who had heard me speak at a Stress talk in her company. What she took away was that it was ok to say No, and she did over a couple of days and was delighted to find that she was more’ in control of her work and of her personal life’.

Men’s greatest challenge?

Taking care and nurturing themselves

Awareness means I shift towards consciously valuing my time, therefore:

• Take time for self
• Set time to leave work by & focus to ensure it happens
• Leave work at work
• Clearer desk/office often means a clearer mind
• Set healthy boundaries round times you are not available
• Learn to say yes to the person, but No to the Task!
• Be a better delegator
• Control technology
• If you are a perfectionistic: Focus on effort, not your performance

80:20 Rules

80% of unfocused effort generates 20% of results; therefore remember that 80% of your results come from 20% of your effort. Optimise your efforts concentrating your time/energy on high pay off tasks.

Organises and execute round balanced priorities

The biggest mistakes we make are the following three:

• Inability to Prioritise what’s important to you
• Inability to Organise around these priorities
• A lack of Discipline
• A minute planning saves 10 minutes on execution

Covey’s Matrix

Essentially, many of us spend time on unimportant things so end up in Quadrant 1 fire fighting. Put the focus on important tasks whether they are Urgent or not, as if we procrastinate, they will be Urgent and Important. Spend as little time as possible on activities that may be Urgent but they are NOT IMPORTANT.

Schedule your time around balanced priorities: don’t forget time for self!

Take a moment and decide the different role you have:

ROLES

Individual

Spouse

Parent

Manager

Volunteer for you r children’s Scouts group

GOALS

Now identify the Goals you have for each role you have, goals are important as they are the destination and they offer the vision to work towards.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO REACH MY GOALS?

INDIVIDUAL                       Book a Course

Spouse                                 Set a fortnightly DATE NIGHT

Parent                                  Schedule family activity for weekend, puncture repair, some 1: 1 time

Manager                              Begin working on Budget on Monday, breaking into manageable chunks

Scouts                                   Organise a treasure hunt

Top Tips:

• To Do List
• Prioritise
• Manage Distractions
• Take Breaks to recharge
• Do hardest task first
• Reward difficult tasks achieved
• Get longer lead time from clients
• Chunking: Break task into manageable chunks
• Ensure your expectations are realistic

“I may not be able to complete this project on time along with all the other work I have to do. However, I can get clear priorities from my boss, and then manage the time I spend on each project. It may be that the quality of each deliverable is not what I’d like it to be, but I have to be realistic about what is achievable here’

Benefits to better Personal Time Management

• More in control at work/home
• Feel better, less tense/anxious
• Balanced work/home life
• Work not impacting negatively on spouse/children
• Stronger Boundaries mean you are more respected as you respect self more
• De clutter – More organised/efficient & a nicer environment to work in

Reduce Stress at Home and at Work

If you are passive and you feel it is not safe to express how you feel ,you need a way of ‘keeping the lid on it’ so you may  use a cigarette, a drink or food. Feelings need to be expressed or they get stuck. Do you bottle your feelings and then Blow over nothing?

Stress Management Techniques

Practice getting in touch with how you feel and ask yourself ‘How do I feel?’ ‘What do I need to do to support myself right now?’ When we start to ‘Take an Action for Self, we stop taking an action against another when we are having a meltdown, so you step out of the room, step back from conflict, hit your PAUSE button and take three deep abdominal breaths which help you to be calm again. Remember, you set the tone, and therefore, the calmer you are, the calmer things will be as only one person need to change to effect change in others.

Manage Stress through regulating your emotions better

Learn to express how you feel, find your voice to assert self : ‘ I feel unsupported & I need.. it’s works better that way for you and also for others!

Healthy Boundaries reduce Stress

Be Proactive, not Reactive

What causes Stress?

Awareness is key to change as when you rebuild your boundary, you feel empowered and good about yourself

We need boundaries to ensure we keep healthy and functioning whether at work or at home. Stress symptoms arise to alert us to the imbalance in our lives and needs responding to. If we choose not to respond, the stress symptoms escalate. Therefore, we need to view the stress symptom as our friend not the enemy as it is there to protect and alert us.

Setting Boundaries

Consider that a boundary is like a fence around your home to protect your and your family from outside interference. If we need boundaries round our time, our energy and out relationships, how strong (or weak) are your boundaries?

Weak boundaries can be due to a lack of self-esteem and self-value. A person with a stronger sense of self will automatically take care of themselves, and not permit others to treat them otherwise whether at work or at home.

Personal Boundaries

Having strong personal boundaries means you generally treat yourself well.  Examples of physical self-care can be a good diet or taking exercise. Self-care can be by ensuring time out with supportive friends or family or simply by allowing adequate time to do things, or to get to where you need to go. This person takes responsibility for their own needs and finds a way to meet them and has no difficulty in taking time and space for self.

Stress Relief

Strong boundaries are vital in maintaining healthy relationships as we need time for family/friends. Having a boundary around your home life ensures your time and energy are available to your partner and children or family.  The closest people in your life require the most attention, so we need to examine how we spend our time and if it is fairly distributed? Many people say their favourite activities are:

Reducing Stress:

Listening to Music

Playing with children

Attending a sporting event

Outdoors pursuit

Socialising/Party/Reception so build into your week, what You enjoy

Managing Stress

• After work, family need time and attention (phones off 6-9pm?)
• Take time out to meet your own needs so you can meet others needs
• Time out for supportive networks to share a worry or enjoy a laugh
• Connectedness & Engagement make us happy
• Remember the 4D’s: I cannot DO everything; I may need DELEGATE, DELAY, and DUMP!
• Creating boundaries at work may mean you get to leave work at work both physically and mentally.
• Prioritise tasks so you can schedule to leave work on time generally
• Take Breaks & Lunch to recharge (walk in the fresh air, meet a friend, exercise)
• Learn how to say no nicely
• Clear job description
• Too broad job description – need more specifics
• Speak up
• Know your limits
• Assert yourself if your boundary is crossed

Professional Boundaries at Work

Boundaries around Technology

The technology’s’ available; so why aren’t you?

• Manage it or it manages you
• All technology has an OFF button
• Communicate your technology boundaries
• Choose real people over online people
• Being available 24/7 makes you a prime candidate for stres

Effects of Stress

When you lose your boundary, you end up in conflict. Only one person needs to change to effect change between two people. The change is to operate from boundary as otherwise we become defensive and conflict will escalate. Taking responsibility for self is crucial: ‘I’d like some quiet time for myself and I’d like not to be disturbed’. This is an Action for yourself as otherwise you will Take an Action against another.

Coping with Stress:

• Can I take some Time out for myself?
• Can I say yes to what is good for me?
• Can I say No to what is not right for me?
• Can I communicate clearly and directly?
• Can I speak up when my boundary is crossed?
• Can I stand up for another person when it’s necessary?
• Passive/Aggressive
• Bully/Timid
• Blame/Hypersensitivity

Some important reminders for Valentine’s Day

Valentines Day ideas

For some of us in relationships for a long time, we may get a little complacent so here are some thoughts for me and maybe you!

As Oprah says ‘What you put out, you get back, every single time, and the more you put out, the more you get back’

Valentines Day messages

• If you want love, act lovingly
• If love is scarce, who isn’t creating it?
• Give freely without expecting back
• Become a Romantic, what am I doing to keep love alive?
• Buy a gift, a loving e mail, cook something special, light some candles
• Pick up the mirror, not the magnifying glass

Valentines Day

Something your partner does that annoys you may be something you need to do more of!

When you feel a negative thought, bring it back to self and ask ‘what’s this telling me I need to do for myself? A personal story: Last year on Mother’s Day, my husband and my three children were taking me out for lunch. I’d just said to him ‘You put everything on the long finger, as I said ‘you all go, ‘I’ve work to do’. When I thought about it, I realised, what he does that bugs me sometimes, is something I need to do more often, I needed to put the work ‘on the long finger’ rather than send my family out to celebrate Mother’s Day lunch without the mother!!

 Gift ideas for Valentines Day

• Accentuate the Positive & eliminate the negative
• Develop the habit of being grateful as happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have so focus on the positives.
• Remember you may be right, but you may also be wrong
• Take action to change what is not working as Love is an action word

 Gifts for men on Valentines Day

Set a Date Night as children are hand grenades tossed into marriage!

If you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you have always got.

You cannot change anyone, but you can change yourself and as you change you create a shift and everyone responds differently. This is about changing yourself and how you respond, but no one can do it for you, only you can make the change.

Build Emotional Resilience

Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to identify, assess and control the emotions of oneself, and others and is a key skill in becoming more resilient.

Employee Wellness Programs

• Better at achieving your goals
• Better communication and management of others
• Spring back emotionally from a difficult event
• Awareness of own and others emotions means you deal with things better
• Empathy for self and others means you relate better
• More in control of your behaviour from a place of self awareness
• More in control of others behaviours as more skilled at defusing situations earlier

Workplace Wellness

You express feelings appropriately and as you are good at identifying the feelings of the other person you can offer them whatever they need, a sense of feeling listened to and a feeling of being understood. You come into situations differently, instead of losing control or yelling you are more in charge of yourself and more skilled at managing others. Coping with emotions well is important for long term happiness as it affects our relationships with others and how we relate to them.

Strategies for building resilience

You cook a special dinner and your partner does not arrive at the specified time. If I am out of touch with how I feel I will react angrily as they come in the door and blame them ‘You’re always late!’ As they walk into a situation where they have felt attacked, they mirror my defensiveness and reply in a similar vein ‘And you’re always giving out, I’ve just walked in the door!’ The conflict will escalate as the couple become enmeshed in each other’s behaviour.

Step 1: Check in with how you feel: Bring it back to self: How do I feel?

If I cook a dinner and the other person’s fails to arrive at the specified time, I check in with myself ‘How am I feeling?’ ‘I feel annoyed/irritated/not appreciated’.

Step 2: Take an Action for Self: What is it I need to do to support myself here?

When I don’t take an action for seIf, I take an action against another! I may decide I will eat my dinner while watching a favourite show, or that I need text the person and communicate my feeling ‘I feel unappreciated/disrespected and I need you to text if you are running late’. As my communication to them is not defensive (where they feel attacked), they have no need to respond negatively and may say ‘I am sorry, will do, there in ten minutes’.

Step 3: Stay Separate to the Behaviours of others

Their response is ONLY about them, not about me, so why personalise?

How to build resilience

Regardless of how they respond however, I need to stay separate to that response and hear it as being about them, about what is going on for them, and where they are at. They may respond negatively (after a difficult day in work) but how I hear that is about me. How is it I am hearing what they are saying as being about me? When I stay separate, I respond better. I am more compassionate and understanding as I have not personalised their behaviour.

Wellness Tips:

What arises in you is only about you (frustration at lateness is your frustration)

What arises in them is only about them

Employee Wellness

After a tough day, they may project out and want to blame someone ‘You’re making me angry!’ My ability to stay separate means I want to hear more about their angry/frustration and I respond better as I have not personalised their comment, but know it’s only about them and what is going on for them. However, I may feel I will lash back to their anger so I may need to TAKE AN ACTION FOR SELF and say calmly ‘I want to hear about your anger, when you calm down; I cannot talk with you until you calm down’ and remove yourself calmly.

Corporate Wellness:

How to deal with Anger

When angry: The key message is: Take an Action for Yourself, or you will otherwise take An Action against the other Person. Leave the room to self-calm, take three deep abdominal breaths, Count to 10, ask the other person to take over momentarily from the task you are doing as you need to get in control of your behaviour. Your anger is always about one of two things:

• A feeling of being violated in some way (disrespected/taken for granted etc.)
• An unmet need – identify the unmet need.

Wellness Programs

Responding to your emotions more appropriately

The person who is having the feeling needs to

• Identify/Express the feeling ‘I feel angry’
• Respond in the way you need by Taking an Action for Self ‘I need’ or you take an action against the other person
• ‘I feel unsupported and I need more help’

A better way to respond to another persons’ emotions

If you are the listener you need to receive the others feeling, understanding that what is being expressed is not about you, but about them and what is going on for them.

• Empathy works: The ability to slip on their shoes and guess how they may be feeling
• Acknowledge their feeling works: ‘Sounds like you’re really upset….’/I’m guessing you feel unappreciated/I’m hearing you’re a bit overwhelmed?’ You sound really upset… that’s not easy… gives the other person a sense of being held/supported
• This helps them to open up and bring to the surface an issue that need to be resolved.

Building Resilience Practice: Checking in with how you feel

‘How do I feel?’ ‘I feel a little anxious about this meeting….’

Practice Taking an Action for self to stop you taking an action against the other person

Ask yourself ‘what do I need to do for myself right now?

‘I need to self-calm with a three minute breathing exercise to reduce/eliminate my anxiety and I will feel more secure and solid in myself’

What happens when you do not do this?

• I Project – Blame someone for how I feel or
• Introject- Blame myself ‘I’m useless’

Instead, NAME, TAME, CLAIM the Feeling

• Name the feeling ‘I feel anxious’
• Claim it ‘It is my anxiety, this is only about me’
• Tame it ‘What do I need to do to feel calmer? Deep breathing and focusing on the breath works as it is only a feeling. When I think about my breath, I can’t think about the anxiety and the anxiety passes and I feel grounded again’

As Mark Twain said ‘I’ve had many catastrophes in my life, some of which actually happened’

Most of what we worry about never happens! So, relax and Let it go..

Stress Management through building your resilience

We know it is not so much what happens to us, but more about our response that determines what outcomes we experience. Therefore, if we increase our resilience, we improve our ability to manage all that we have to manage. Without resilience, we give up or feel helpless and not in control of our lives.

 Stress reduction: What’s required?

A commitment to change. We know that key to building resilience is to practice self-care so therefore we need to decide some key changes we will make to take care of ourselves so we can take care of everything else.

Overcoming Stress

How good are you at looking after yourself? Do you find it difficult? Do you know that how you look after yourself reveals how you feel about yourself. Therefore, if you feel good about yourself, you are likely to take exercise, eat healthily, ensure you have time out to meet with friends or your partner and have an awareness of your limits.

 Stress reduction

Are you always rushing?                                               Allow more time

Do you rarely say No?                                                    Practice saying No

Do you have no ‘Me’ time                                           Take time for self

Do you never ask for help?                                          Seek help and accept support

Do you have to do everything perfect?                  Have realistic expectations

Managing Stress

The No 1 challenge for men is to nurture and take care of self. When you actively ensure your wellbeing, you ensure the wellbeing of others. Women have a major difficulty in asking for and receiving help and are not conscious of how unworthy they feel to receive. Over caring for others needs to be balanced with caring for self, you are only responsible for yourself, not for everybody and everything else.

Physical Stress

Physically: do you

• Nurture self with healthy diet
• Find a half hour to exercise makes the rest of the day more manageable
• Prioritise rest when tired
• Take time to relax/meditate

Overcoming Stress

When you take care of yourself, you can take care of everything else.

What happens when we don’t look after ourselves?

Symptoms of Stress & not taking care of self result in:

We Act Out, for example: or we                                    Act in

Aggressive/Controlling                                                       Timid/Shy/Passive

Blames others                                                                           Blames self

Judgemental/Rigid                                                                Conforms/Compliant

Irritable/Short temper                                                         Bottles up feelings

Overpowering/Bullies                                                           Over pleasing

Physically threatening                                                           Hypersensitive to criticism

Sarcastic/Cynical                                                                     Perfectionist

Stress Management

Help with stress:

The challenge is for us to do something different: for example:

If your response is:                                                         The challenge for you is:

Being irritable                                                                    Embrace mistakes

Being critical                                                                       Be more affirming

Being impatient                                                                  Be more patient

Being anxious                                                                      Believe in self

Being tired                                                                            Rest yourself

Being timid                                                                           Your presence matters

Being a perfectionistic                                                    You are good enough

Stress Relief

When you look after yourself, you are more resilient, so ease up on self and let things go.

Stress Tips

30 minutes exercise                                                       Read a book

Healthy diet                                                                       Take a bath

Schedule Fun/time out                                                 Go for a walk

Prioritise rest if tired                                                     See a friend

Accept help/support                                                      Ask for help & receive

Reward your efforts                                                       Meet your own needs

Share your concerns

What new choices will you make? What new actions will you take?

Identify one change you can make to look after yourself better

 I need to:

• Start doing
• Stop doing
• Do more
• Do less
• Do differently