Blog

Tony Humphreys the renowned clinical psychologist is on record as saying ‘Every large scale long term study of families life shows the absence of fathers is the biggest challenge facing Western society today, as it’s the biggest single contributor to all troubling behaviour shown in children. 30% of all fathers have no involvement post separation and 30% of single mothers have no paternal follow through. Fathers are absent for many reasons, whether it’s an unplanned pregnancy, separation or divorce, second families, workaholic or through death.

My father died when I was five years old and I remember a sense of abandonment as I grew up. To a young girl, when the most important man in your life abandons or neglects you, it’s hard to trust or believe that another man will do different.  Often, the absence of a father leaves one with a feeling of being rejected or not being good enough and can colour you for a lifetime. For a son, he lacks the male role model he needs growing up. It is an established fact that mothers parenting alone encounter major difficulties in dealing with their adolescent sons.

In the case where the father has a child separate to his original family, it has enormous impact on the family members. He is a role model to these children, yet they may feel ashamed and embarrassed and let down by him. Financially things may be more difficult for both families and tensions rise due to hurt, broken trust and resentment.

The media recently reported the case of a twelve year old boy in Britain who was alleged to have fathered a child with the fifteen year old mother. Eventually, a 15 year old turned out to be the real dad. His family are on record as saying “You can’t just leave the mother to bring it up on her own, even if it’s only a matter of giving them money every now and again”. From a single mother’s point of view, this is hardly a strong financial commitment that could be counted on over the years. Besides, parenting is so much more than money. Single parenthood and teen pregnancy are both on the rise.

Marital breakdown do not have to mean family breakdown but so often it does. Parents need to prioritise reconciling their differences – for the sake of their children. So often, children are used as a pawn in the conflict that follows a separation or divorce. One in five children lives in a one parent family. Why do so many men walk away from a child they have fathered?  Was their experience that their father was not there for them? Young men need to be responsible for a child brought into the world, and that means more than money ‘every now and then’. When a child feels they have not got their fathers attention, they protectively conclude that maybe they are not good enough. Yet, when a dad takes the time to establish his own relationship with his child, it can be rewarding and satisfying for both parties.

Useful websites:

www.teenbetween.ie for children of separated/divorced parents

www.onefamily.ie family support service to one parent families

www.barnardos.ie bereavement counselling for children service

Tips

• Absent  fathers are a big challenge  in Western society today
• Absent fathers can contribute to a child’s troubling behaviour
• Absent may be: Lone parenting, separation, second families or death
• An father who is absent can make you feel rejected and not good enough
• Money ‘now & then’ cannot replace being a father to your child
• Marital breakdown does not have to mean family breakdown
• Parents need reconcile their differences – for their child’s sake!
• Children need a positive male role model, it’s your responsibility.

This article was written by Sheila O’Malley of Practical Parenting

For further information

Practical Parenting offers a full range of support services to Parents including:  One to one Parent Support, One Day Parenting Class and Weekly Courses as well as Parenting Talks in Schools/Companies/Organisations.

You can read feedback from people who have availed of parenting services.

Click here to find and book a class or gain parenting tips by checking out some helpful Parental videos, Parenting articles or our Parents magazine. Please contact Sheila with any query.